Admission and Apology

[RubySera_Martin]

Originally Posted by China Cat Sunflower

Ruby,

You said:

Could you take a stab at explaining the part I've emphasized? I'm asking because one of the main problems I have with Christianity is its obsession with Jesus' death. I like the teachings too, and I'm ethnically Christian so I like the holidays, but I don't have any affinity with the whole Christ death cult thing. Maybe you can help me find a different way of looking at it?

Chris

I hear ya, Chris! I am speaking metaphorically. I've had to forgo my deep need/desire for approval of my parents and siblings and the larger community to make something of my life that made it worth living for me. I'm not sure how to explain it so it makes sense to others, esp. people who find life enjoyable and meaningful and have love and life and respect in their daily relationships. You see, I had none of this in my family and community. I was desperately, desperately unhappy. All I wanted was to feel love and respect by those close to me and to have fulfilling work. All of this was denied to me and I was condemned for not being happy with the situation. Around the age of forty the thought hit me that they never would approve of me. Around the same time the thought also hit me that God has had a long enough chance to answer my burning questions and he has not done that, either. In other words, I realized that neither the people in my life nor the God I had been taught to trust were ever going to come through for me. I could take it or leave it but that was the situation. Life is never that clear-cut but in retrospect that is basically what happened.

I did my homework and found out that I qualified to apply at the local university (which I later found out was world class and the best in Canada). So I applied and was accepted. BUT in doing so I put my emotional and spiritual existence on the line. (It was on the line anyway; otherwise I could not have done it.) The church believed higher education led away from God and forbade it. This meant that in order to get training for a meaningful career, I had to forgo all human relationships except for one or two friendships I had been able to develop with outsiders. (I need to also mention my one sister with whom I was sharing a home at the time; at considerable cost to herself she supported me every step of the way. I needed that like crops need sunshine.) I had to forgo spiritual security in that I was raised to believe that our particular church would lead more surely to salvation than any other. There were other churches in the area that were of the same culture as the one where I grew up but I knew that they disapproved of higher education, too. I decided to "go all the way" to "the world" for a faith community. In retrospect, it was a way station because it was not the right place for me over the long term, but there was no way I could go the transition all alone; I needed the support of a community. And I found it there.

At university I found for the first time in my life a community that accepted and respected me as a person. The costs were enormous, stupendous. Outsiders who knew me at the time seemed to see the majorness of the situation more clearly than I could at the time. All I could do was focus on putting one foot ahead of the other and deal with the severe persecution inflicted by family and former friends. Basically, they were telling me that I was on the road to hell. My sister suffered for supporting me; guilty by association, I guess. She also felt it very deeply when people spoke critically of me. Others thought she had a hard life living with me and this hurt her very deeply. She stayed with the old church because it is her spiritual home and eventually things settled down for her.

At the very moment in which I formalized the decision to leave the church I experienced what in Christian terms is the new birth. I was filled with an unspeakable joy and peace and liberty I had not known was available to humans. This, along with the very positive acceptance at school, made life worth living. I have not looked back or regretted making the change. It was the ultimate sacrifice for me and it felt like the crucifixion. But the new life I got as a result was like the resurrection.

There are other ways to make sense of my life but this is what works best for me. Another huge risk is financial. I had worked all my life at subsistence wages--just enough to live on so long as I kept working. The province makes education available to those in financial need via student loans. I am nearly fifty and penniless. Financially, it was the most stupid thing I could have done to go to school. But I was out of options so I went on faith. Faith in I don't know who or what. I keep saying "God got me into this, he's gotta get me out." So I use the story of the Israelite exodus to make sense of this aspect of my life. I feel like I am at the Jordon when it is in full flood and that like the priests had to go forward till they stood in the water, then God made a way for them. That has very much been the case in my life up till now. I don't know where God (life? fate? I don't know) is leading but I know I have to go forward in faith like the Israelites and trust that things will work out.

As a result of the new life I found at school and outside my community of origin, I am able to interpret the New Testament in a way that fits secular humanism. Jesus said, "The kingdom is within you." I think I am like the man in the parable who found a field containg a pearl of great price and sold all he had in order to buy that field. I feel like I have forsaken all to seek the kingdom.

Jesus said "My burden is light and my yoke is easy." That is what I found. There still was a burden and yoke (the terrible pain of knowing how deeply I'd hurt my family and also the terrible pain of the alienation surely constituted a burden and yoke) but these burden and yoke were bearable. Much more bearable than the burden and yoke the church had placed on me. Remember, they condemned me for not being happy with their oppression of me.

This is a brief overview of how I use Bible stories, esp. the Jesus story, to make sense of my life. Like I said, there are other stories to use. Many people use movies. The Bible is the story I am familiar with.

[lunamoth]

Hi Ruby, You application of the passion story to your life, and the way you use the Bible in general, seems quite appropriate to me. Yours is a story with a lot of courage and faith (your own; I'm not trying to imply a belief that you do not claim). Have you ever considered writing your story for publication? You have the skill, I think.

Laurie

[RubySera_Martin]

Originally Posted by lunamoth

Hi Ruby, You application of the passion story to your life, and the way you use the Bible in general, seems quite appropriate to me.

Thank you.

Yours is a story with a lot of courage and faith (your own; I'm not trying to imply a belief that you do not claim). Have you ever considered writing your story for publication? You have the skill, I think.

You're about the seven dozenth person to say this. But thanks for your kind words. There are ethical issues that need serious consideration if ever I do write it for publication. If I write it under my real name then I will expose family members and other relatives and community members. Even using fictitious names wouldn't get around that because everyone knows everyone well enough to read between the lines. So if ever I do write it, it will probably be under the pen name I use here and quite likely it will be in the style of a novel. At this point, I'm just not into that kind of writing. I've given it a number of honest attempts but it never goes anywhere. Someone suggested that perhaps I am not meant to write it and that felt very liberating. My life experience has had such a profound impact on who I am and how I see God, self, and others that it will inevitably show up in any academic or scholarly writing I do. This raises another point--

Chris, regarding the use of these forums for personal ends, I use forums like this in which to work out my ideas. That is not exactly a conscious goal but it is one of the consequences or side effects. It has brought concrete results in providing direction for my education, and once in a while someone happens to mention an article or incident from the news media that I can use as an example in a writing assignment for a course. I think this is a bit like raising a crop in order to have seed to plant a new crop ad infinitum.

On forums like this we pick up ideas, we plant ideas, we process these ideas, we plant new ideas, and on and on. Sometimes in the process something positive happens. Like a stalwart young tree.

Laurie, thanks for your reassurance that my application of the biblical story seems appropriate to Christians...I assume you are a Christian?

[lunamoth]

Originally Posted by RubySera_Martin

Laurie, thanks for your reassurance that my application of the biblical story seems appropriate to Christians...I assume you are a Christian?

Lol. Yes. I'm an Episcopalian. The middle way (which means I get hit from both sides).

luna