Gentle Religious Humor - Page 3

miclason · 05-14-2005, 12:58 AM

Jake, the rancher went one day,

To fix a distant fence.

The wind was cold and gusty;

The clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in

And gathered his tools to go,

The temperature had fallen;

The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,

He felt a heavy heart;

From the sound of that ignition,

He knew it wouldn't start!

So Jake did what most of us would do,

Had we been there.

He humbly bowed his balding head

And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for one last time,

He softly cursed his luck.

They found him three days later,

Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life

And done his share of roaming.

But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --

It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,

His favorite was St. Peter.

(Now, this line ain't really needed,

But it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two,

Or maybe it was three.

Nobody was keeping score --

In Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,

"That God will answer prayer,

But one time when I asked for help,

Well, HE just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some,

and ignore the prayers of others?

That don't seem exactly square --

I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,

Without good rhyme or reason?

Maybe, it's the time of day,

The weather or the season."

“Now I ain't trying to act smart,

It's just the way I feel.

And I was wondering, could you tell me --

What the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened patiently,

And when old Jake was done,

There were smiles of recognition,

And he said, "So, you're the one!!"

"That day! Your truck; It wouldn't start,

And you sent your prayer a flying,

You gave us all a real bad time,

With hundreds of us all trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,

To check the status of your file,

But you know, Jake,

We hadn't heard from you, in quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered,

And God ain't got no quota,

He didn't recognize your voice,

And started a truck in Minnesota !"

Quahom1 · 05-14-2005, 03:28 AM

That was good.

I, Brian · 05-14-2005, 07:44 PM

Quite a few good ones on here to raise a smile.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 05-14-2005, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miclason

Jake, the rancher went one day,

To fix a distant fence.

The wind was cold and gusty;

The clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in

And gathered his tools to go,

The temperature had fallen;

The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,

He felt a heavy heart;

From the sound of that ignition,

He knew it wouldn't start!

So Jake did what most of us would do,

Had we been there.

He humbly bowed his balding head

And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for one last time,

He softly cursed his luck.

They found him three days later,

Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life

And done his share of roaming.

But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --

It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,

His favorite was St. Peter.

(Now, this line ain't really needed,

But it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two,

Or maybe it was three.

Nobody was keeping score --

In Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,

"That God will answer prayer,

But one time when I asked for help,

Well, HE just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some,

and ignore the prayers of others?

That don't seem exactly square --

I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,

Without good rhyme or reason?

Maybe, it's the time of day,

The weather or the season."

“Now I ain't trying to act smart,

It's just the way I feel.

And I was wondering, could you tell me --

What the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened patiently,

And when old Jake was done,

There were smiles of recognition,

And he said, "So, you're the one!!"

"That day! Your truck; It wouldn't start,

And you sent your prayer a flying,

You gave us all a real bad time,

With hundreds of us all trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,

To check the status of your file,

But you know, Jake,

We hadn't heard from you, in quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered,

And God ain't got no quota,

He didn't recognize your voice,

And started a truck in Minnesota !"

Eso es muy bien. Yo quiero.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

InLove · 05-17-2005, 10:00 PM

Maybe the world is small, after all? Wonderful--I knew miclason's, but I had not heard Phyllis' (hope and suspect it is okay to call you Phyllis?)

So now, since Wyoming has been mentioned, I feel it might be okay to post the following. I really don't know where everyone is located, and some humor may be lost along the way. But to whoever around the world can find it funny, it makes me laugh--I get to laugh at myself--A Christian and a Texan (really, God help the Texans--we so need it

)

Okay--going to try to paste this from Word--hope it works:

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes. There's barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots, and chasing the sheep; they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; they refuse to walk and insist on bringing their horses with them."

The Lord sighed, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this.... Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning

InPeace,
InLove

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 05-18-2005, 06:59 AM

I read this originally on Turok's Cabana, and I thought it would be apropos (sort of)
************************************************** ****

The Pope and A Rabbi Debate

Many years ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jew won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that theirs would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised his middle finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up his middle finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

************************************************** *********

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

Awaiting_the_fifth · 05-18-2005, 12:52 PM

A Catholic Priest, A Protestant Pastor and A Jewish Rabbi are taking a little day trip on a boat.

At lunch time, the Priest cries out in Dispair.

"Damn, We forgot the sandwiches, they're over there on the Beach. Never mind, I'll go and get them"

So the Priest steps out of the boat and miraculously walks across the water to the beach, collects the sandwiches and walks back across the water to the boat.

Then the Pastor also cries out,

"Oh no! We forgot the Wine, I'll get it"

So he too climbs out of the boat, walks on the water to the beach, picks up the wine and walks back over the water to the boat.

The Rabbi, feeling blessed to be a party to this miracle says,

"You forgot the Glasses, I'll get them."

He climbs out of the boat and falls into the water with a terrific splash. The Priest looks over the side of the boat and sees the Rabbi splashing around, he turns to the Pastor and says,

"Maybe we should have told him about those stepping stones"

Ciel · 05-18-2005, 11:14 PM

Zen Line............
A man was sitting in the middle of the road waving his arms as if he were rowing a boat, holding up the city traffic.
An impatient car driver gets out of his car and strides up to the man. "Hey, are you crazy or something? What are you doing?"
"I am rowing a boat," replies the man. "Do you want a ride?"
"But where is your boat?"
"What? No boat?" the boatman cries in alarm.
"Then we had better start swimming."

Quahom1 · 05-19-2005, 12:19 AM

That was good!

Quahom1 · 06-01-2005, 12:44 AM

God, the Lawyer and the FHA.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual letter)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property field, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of the uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

-----

-----

-----

The loan was approved.

v/r

Q

Cerealkiller · 06-02-2005, 04:36 AM

A young couple are on their way to their wedding when the train they are riding in derails killing everyone on board. They arrive heaven with most of their wedding party. As they stand at the gates they look longingly at each other and regret their inability to be married prior to their death. As they approach the gates the man has an idea. "Peter," he says "my fiance and I were on our way to be married when our train crashed, is there anyway we can be married now that we are in heaven?"
"Of course my child." Peter responds "What sort of service do you want?"

(here you would insert any religion you feel the urge to make fun of, for purposes of the joke we'll go with Druids)

"Well it might take a while to find a Druid priest, but we will look," Peter promises and flies away.

Weeks merge into months and the group waits and waits. While they wait the bride and groom discuss marriage in heaven. "You know," the wife says "eternity is an awful long time. I wonder if you can get divorced in heave."

A few more days pass and Peter returns with an aged man in a long robe at his side.
"Here we are folks, a genuine Druid priest. Lets get on with the ceremony."

"Before we get married Peter I had a question. Is it possible to get a divorce in heaven?"

"It took me 6 months to find a priest for you people! Now you want me to find lawyers!?"

Quahom1 · 06-02-2005, 04:41 AM

Gonna send that one to my dad...

v/r

Q

InLove · 06-02-2005, 05:02 AM

LOL, Cerealkiller! (by the way, I apologize for misspeeeeling your name on another thread.

And, Quahom--I sent your last one out to all my friends, so it shouldn't take too long for it to make the rounds--people should be sending it to your regular email addy within the month

.

InPeace,
InLove

Vajradhara · 06-02-2005, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

I read this originally on Turok's Cabana, and I thought it would be apropos (sort of)
************************************************** ****

The Pope and A Rabbi Debate

Many years ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jew won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that theirs would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised his middle finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up his middle finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

************************************************** *********

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

THAT is FUNNY!!!!

dayaa · 06-06-2005, 12:07 AM

when i was a young boy i used to pray for a bicycle.
then i realised God doesn't work like that......so i stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness

i specially liked the kiddies mistakes near the beginning of the thread....it had me in tears. some other good ones too.