Gentle Religious Humor

[taijasi]

From an email ...

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of t he car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? "


taijasi

[aburaees]

A Priest and a Teacher went for a game of golf one Sunday afternoon, the Priest happened to be pretty good at golf but the same couldn't be said for the Teacher.
The Teacher stepped up to take the first stroke and completely missed the golf ball...
"DAMN, I missed!!"
The Priest rebuked him, and asked him to mind his language.
Stepping up to have another go, determined to at least hit the ball this time, the Teacher swung for the ball and missed again...
"G*D-DAMN, I missed again!!"
The Priest warned the Teacher, "you just took the Lord's name in a worthless way, I urge you repent and refrain from doing this again lest the Lord angers and decides to strike you down dead".
When the Teacher tried to hit the ball for a third time, missing again was the final straw...
"G*D-DAMN, BLOODY BALL!!!"
At this point the clouds started to gather. The sky darkened and the heavens trembled. And without warning lightning bolted down from the sky and hit the Priest...

"DAMN, I missed!!"

.

[Quahom1]

Cajun Catholic:

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
Louisiana,
was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,
living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire
up his
outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux
convert
to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux
attended
Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday Night
arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The
priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped
in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he
carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
catfish."

[nativeastral]

bumped for a laugh

[greymare]

LOL> good ones

[greymare]

A wealthy man lay on his deathbed, his recently estranged wife visits his bedside. he says to her, " I have a last request."."I know you are a good christian woman, and I want you to promise me that when I die you will bury my money with me". She says, " Yes, i will, I promise."

Weeks pass, and he dies. At his funeral, his exwife is sitting there, with her best friend. The exwife is clutching a shoebox. At the end of the service, just before they close the lid on the coffin, the exwife gets up and places the shoebox in the casket with her exhusband.
The best friend says, "wow, i cant beleive you did that, was that his money?"
The exwife says, "Yes, when he died, i transfered all his money from his account into mine, and i have written him a cheque for the whole lot, its in the shoebox, and he can cash it whenever he wants"
!!!!!

[Eclectic Mystic]

YouTube - Moses - Ten Commandments - Mel Brooks

[greymare]

Mel Brooks = genius!!!!!!!!!!

[17th Angel]

A rabbi and a priest were sat on a train.

An hour or so into the journey the priest glanced over his book to the rabbi and said; "is it still forbbiden for you to eat pork?"

The rabbi looked to the priest and nodded: "yes, that is still very much an important part of our faith...."

The priest then asked; "Have you ever eaten it?"

The rabbi nodded and replied: "I was once weak and yes, I did eat pork."

The priest nodded back and said "I understand.."

A little while later the silence was broken again and the rabbi asked the priest; "Is celibacy still a requirement in your faith?"

The priest nodded and said "Yes it is."

The rabbi then asked... "Have you ever tried it?"

The priest replied. "Yes, I once went through a bad period and I did break my celibacy."

The rabbi nodded "I understand....... Much better than pork isn't it?"

[I, Brian]

UK stand up comedian Peter Kay:

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

[17th Angel]

Peter Kay steals other peoples work? Sheesh....

[17th Angel]

A catholic priest was driving along the road with struggling effort, constantly swirving and breaking suddenly, switching to the wrong side of the road.... So a police officer pulls him over, and walks up to the car and peers in from the drivers side window.

Scanning the area he clearly spots an open and almost empty bottle of wine on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking sir?" The officer asks. "Certainly not officer!" The priest replies.... "Well, why do you have an open bottle of wine in the car?" The priest looking confused... And slightly... "tipsy" shruggs and replies "there is no wine in the car... Only a bottle of water..." The officer sighs and leans closer now being able to smell the wine... "That is for certain wine and not water sir." The priest then turned around and picked up the bottle.

Carefully placing an inspecting eye upon the bottle he paused and contemplated for a moment... Then took a small sip from the bottle... Turning with an astonishing look of surprise on his face he shouts "My god!!! He's done it again!"