interfaith marriage how to

juantoo3 · 03-12-2005, 01:51 AM

Kindest Regards, all!

I have a question of practical application. How do interfaith marriages work? I mean, there are some that obviously do work, probably no better or worse than marriages where faith is not an issue. But does different faiths in the bonds of marriage present problems that need to be addressed, and what practical help can anybody offer?

Now, I read occasionally of Christians of different denominations, say Catholic and Protestant, or even Jewish and Christian. But I seldom hear of marriages involving very different religions, say Christian and Buddhist, or Pagan and Muslim. Is religion a potential deal breaker in a marriage? If not, how do couples successfully overcome this challenge?

Thanks in advance for genuine insight in this.

Shalom.

brucegdc · 03-12-2005, 02:22 AM

Differing religions always have the potential to be a deal breaker - as does differing sleeping habits, or differing dietary preferences :-)

The key things are, I think, to work out in advance how to deal with it - completely. Like anything else in a marriage, both parties need to have an understanding of the rules - whatever they turn out to be. Part of that will be dealing with the respective religious "establishments" - for example, one local Conservative Rabbi refuses to marry interfaith couples. (The cantor, on the other hand, was willing, which worked out reasonably well for many couples)

The major stressor between interfaith couples, I think, is the differing habits - religion tends to infuse itself into our daily lives, and the customs of our family are colored by that. "But we *always* have fish on Friday" and so forth. With the extended family involved, that can be a challenge at times.... but that's true of any marriage.

Again, I think the way to overcome it is to be open and look carefully at the situation and what the impacts are likely to be, and work it out up front (or at least a framework for it). What happens when holidays coincide? Conflict? If one partner observes a tradition (not working, not eating, whatever), does the other have to do so as well? (Watching someone else not fast while you're fasting can be a minor irritant...) When do you celebrate with the parents? Which holiday?

I read an interesting article in a USAir magazine a few months back (I think it was around US Thanksgiving) about a VERY mixed family - containing vegetarians, Catholics, organic food only, Buddhists, Jews, etc. The writer was marvelling at her mother's capability to put on a holiday buffet that managed everybody's needs. The holiday gift boxes were wrapped in neutral paper, and were opened whenever the recipient felt it appropriate, so the one set of grandkids got to open them on Hanukkah, others waited for Christmas, others Yule, etc. I wish I'd kept a copy, it was a delightful story all around. That family worked the interfaith issue well :-)

juantoo3 · 03-13-2005, 02:59 AM

Many thanks, Bruce! Maybe someone else has some advice they would like to share as well?

Bandit · 03-13-2005, 03:27 AM

Big fat greek wedding was on TV the other night. Juan it was soooooo funny. I think that is a classic example of what you are talking about.
The man is the head but the wife is the neck so she turns the head!

People really should stay in the same religion but sometimes it happens. Depends on how strong they are in there faith. I am thinking the orhtodox is probably the toughest for accepting that. I mean think about it. Some people get all freaked out over a Christmas tree. I dont see anyone worshipping them any more.

I think it is sad when a family member is rejected by there family if they marry into another. They really should look out for them instead.

truthseeker · 03-13-2005, 04:44 AM

We want so much to get along with our in-laws, don't we?

I did not marry interfaith ( I married intercultural - now divorced...) but my parents did. My father, with a fanatical mother and 8 siblings, was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My mother is Mormon. The two families never got along.

I am the oldest child; I thought is was pretty funny, really. My mom's family aren't the kind of people that like to push religion off on anybody - their religious issues are theirs alone. But my dad's family wants to convert anybody they cross paths with. Mom was never accepted into dad's family because she was not JW, and dad was never accepted into mom's family because of his mother. My parents accepted eachother and religion was not a problem at home. However, my paternal grandmother gathered her sword and shield every Sunday and drug my brother and I to the Kingdom Hall. My brother and I poked our lips out most Saturdays as we went out into field service with Grandma and stood with her as she 'preached to the heathens of the world' the 'Good News' of Jehovah. When we got home we would tell my mom how our day went and she would laugh at us. But Grandma was not allowed to knock at the door so dad would go out and kiss her goodbye and then he would laugh at us. I am now getting to know my mom's side of the family; now that my dad's mother has passed on. I can see why they didn't need my paternal grandmother's fanaticism - they have issues of their own. Don't we all somehow?

One account of interfaith marriage from the child's point of view.

brucegdc · 03-13-2005, 04:59 AM

Was thinking about this topic today as my omnipresent MP3 player picked a couple of songs in close succession: Irish Rovers doing "The Orange and the Green", and the Three Wierd Sisters "Six Days".... both being songs from the point of view of a child of an interfaith couple. Both seem to come to the same sort of conclusion - the kids end up a tad confused.

Quahom1 · 03-13-2005, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brucegdc

Was thinking about this topic today as my omnipresent MP3 player picked a couple of songs in close succession: Irish Rovers doing "The Orange and the Green", and the Three Wierd Sisters "Six Days".... both being songs from the point of view of a child of an interfaith couple. Both seem to come to the same sort of conclusion - the kids end up a tad confused.

Or very angry.

I have a childhood friend. Grew up together since we were 3 years of age. She was brought up Muslim, and of course me Catholic. Not one lick of a problem beset us, until ...the dating game, and later marriage.

What did it cost her? Her Father, her father's family (for a while). Why? She married a Christian. and then, accepted her husband's faith for the children to be raised in, instead of her family's faith. (DEFINITE NO, NO,). Second, her husband gave her a choice, him, or run back to her family, free and clear (no children at the time). She being the stubborn human that she is, declined the easy way out. Third, she became a Catholic (of her own volitian), and that sent tempers soaring, which only made her...angry, and more angry (unhealthy anger).

It has taken her 20 plus years to come down from that rage, and her health has not always benefitted from the internal emotions she has harbored. Strained the marriage too, not to mention the worry affected upon the children.

Here is the kicker...the kids are born and raised "CATHOLICS", and Grandpa and Grandma MUSLIM, could care less!!!!! They dote all over them grandkids, like they were God's Cherebum. Remember "Christmas", "Easter", and "Rhammadan", specifically for the grand kids...keep a distance with the daughter (probably good, she might bust them a new ass, if pushed).

(Wise grand parents...dumm parents).

My point piggybacks on yours Bruce. It ain't easy, even when it is considered successful.

v/r

Q

truthseeker · 03-13-2005, 06:49 AM

Wow. I'm glad my parents had a sense of humor about it.

I had dumb grandparents - perhaps my parents were running away.
I was confused for a long time, but that confusion was out of growing up with a fanatical grandparent involved in a cult religion (I will call it, because I lived it.) My parents were pretty cool about the religion thing. They never emphasized religion but they felt my brother and I should have a relationship with our grandmother. Grandma was the type that wanted to convert everybody. We all thought she was crazy but now that she's gone and not pressuring us, we can see that she was just doing what she believed was the right thing to do to ensure her place with Jehovah. Doesn't make what she did right or wrong, but it made her who we know her as: (^*%#@!*^). I have learned to accept people in all their religious fanaticisms, dogmatic hypertensions, truthseeking, star gazing, egotisms, and rain dancing. We can get pissed, or love and live.

Quahom1 · 03-13-2005, 07:07 AM

I think you have learned how to accept people.

v/r

Q

SOGFPP · 03-13-2005, 08:35 AM

The Roman Catholic view:

A case of marriage with disparity of cult (between a Catholic and a non-baptized person) requires great circumspection.

According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority. In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage. This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.

Through ecumenical dialogue Christian communities in many regions have been able to put into effect a common pastoral practice for mixed marriages. Its task is to help such couples live out their particular situation in the light of faith, overcome the tensions between the couple's obligations to each other and towards their ecclesial communities, and encourage the flowering of what is common to them in faith and respect for what separates them.

Peace,Scott

truth644 · 03-13-2005, 09:07 AM

my wife's family are buddahists, but my wife associated herself with the LDS church in high school. She didnt attend anywhere when i met her.

I was raised a "God fearin' boy" of the Southern Baptist persuasion in the south , but had fallen away after several drunken years in college and the military. i didnt attend anywhere when i met her.

after several years of my marraige and career careening all over the road, i gave the steering wheel back to God. Of course, i wanted my wife to share my re-found happiness. In my most sincere desire, i took it upon myself to drop the heavenly 411 on her. it was met with much disdain and skepticism from the woman who knew me better than i knew myself. this escalated to the point of a "pick me or Him" situation. i was flatly told that she didnt want God in her life. at that point i realized just how conceited i was to think that i could show my wife the way....i had always consulted God on what to say, but had never surrendered the problem to him. finally i realized that savin' souls is his business, i am just to make sure im ready if he calls me to relay any messages for him.

beaten and with sad resignment, i planned for an impending divorce ( i had made the right choice). God had been bugging me to not deny loving him in front of others and i had to abide by his request.i changed churches and denominations, asking the Lord to settle me where he wanted me. my wife had always allowed me to take my 2 and 4 year old tochurch. well, through the innocent pleadings of my children, my wife attended the church.
well, within 1 month there was a Bible study being held in my home ( and i wasnt even attending it). my wife has made the best friends in her life over th past several years of coming to church. our marraige is the best its ever been. I no longer bug my wife for verbal expression of her relationship to the Father, i leave that work to Him and her. the problems have been quite worth it, for I am positive that it has turned out for His Glory...which is all that really matters I suppose.

Interfaith struggles...........discouraging

True faith responses..........priceless

Quahom1 · 03-13-2005, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by truth644

...beaten and with sad resignment, i planned for an impending divorce ( i had made the right choice). God had been bugging me to not deny loving him in front of others and i had to abide by his request.i changed churches and denominations, asking the Lord to settle me where he wanted me. my wife had always allowed me to take my 2 and 4 year old tochurch. well, through the innocent pleadings of my children, my wife attended the church.
well, within 1 month there was a Bible study being held in my home ( and i wasnt even attending it). my wife has made the best friends in her life over th past several years of coming to church. our marraige is the best its ever been. I no longer bug my wife for verbal expression of her relationship to the Father, i leave that work to Him and her. the problems have been quite worth it, for I am positive that it has turned out for His Glory...which is all that really matters I suppose.

Interfaith struggles...........discouraging

True faith responses..........priceless

I'm just impressed at how smoooooooth God is, in action. I'm very glad for you and your family as well (of course).

v/r

Q

Bandit · 03-13-2005, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by truthseeker

We want so much to get along with our in-laws, don't we?

I did not marry interfaith ( I married intercultural - now divorced...) but my parents did. My father, with a fanatical mother and 8 siblings, was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My mother is Mormon. The two families never got along.

I am the oldest child; I thought is was pretty funny, really. My mom's family aren't the kind of people that like to push religion off on anybody - their religious issues are theirs alone. But my dad's family wants to convert anybody they cross paths with. Mom was never accepted into dad's family because she was not JW, and dad was never accepted into mom's family because of his mother. My parents accepted eachother and religion was not a problem at home. However, my paternal grandmother gathered her sword and shield every Sunday and drug my brother and I to the Kingdom Hall. My brother and I poked our lips out most Saturdays as we went out into field service with Grandma and stood with her as she 'preached to the heathens of the world' the 'Good News' of Jehovah. When we got home we would tell my mom how our day went and she would laugh at us. But Grandma was not allowed to knock at the door so dad would go out and kiss her goodbye and then he would laugh at us. I am now getting to know my mom's side of the family; now that my dad's mother has passed on. I can see why they didn't need my paternal grandmother's fanaticism - they have issues of their own. Don't we all somehow?

One account of interfaith marriage from the child's point of view.

I had both the jehovas witness and the mormons coming to my house for about 5 months. I can see how a child would get very confused by having both of them as an influence.
the mormon kids came on ther bikes and blue suits and the JWs came as a married couple. Every week for 5 months and sometimes they came back to back

.

the mormons kept sending out different kids about every month. I know how they operate in getting there doctrine out. Finally the JW stopped coming but I had to tell them not to come back any more and boy did they ever get mad and try to convince me they are the only right ones.

I see very easy how there would be issues in those two religions.

juantoo3 · 03-14-2005, 01:30 AM

Many thanks to all. It is appreciated!

phenolphthalein7 · 03-26-2005, 06:25 AM

What's up ya'll? I am a Junior in high school, and I realize I've more than likely got a lot of living to do before i find that "special someone." However, at the present time, there is someone who "lights up my life." The dilemma is this: she is born and raised Mormon and I have been brought up in a Pentecostal Holiness church my entire life. If I'm not mistaken, there's a scripture in the Bible that states that Christians should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I realize that Mormons aren't exactly unbelievers, but from what I understand (and I've dont a little research on this myself) they do have beliefs that would be questionable to a person such as myself who beleives the Bible and nothing else as the Word of God (Please don't call me out on this Mormons because for all I know, your religion may also be correct...I am certainly not attacking or condemning Mormons...I'm simply stating my beliefs and worries). I would certainly like to go forward to see if there is anything between this girl and myself, but I am not sure if this is what God would have me to do. And as always, there are two voices telling me "Go out with her" and "No, it's a mistake." But this time I'm not sure which voice is God's. I know my mother (and grandparents especially) is worried about me getting sucked into something different from what they believe...and frankly so am I for no matter how solid your faith is, there's always that possibility. I am only 17 so I am sure that my experience in this matter is nowhere near that of what others' experiences on this message board may be. I ask that you will please reply to me and please pray for me. Thank you.