Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

[Saltmeister]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bag of manure?

The bag.

[Saltmeister]

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
The first koala fell on top of him.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was holding onto the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die?
Because 3 koalas fell on it.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was doing a koala impression.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game

Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was a koala!!

[greymare]

thats good salty. I thought they were very funny. lol

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

This is from BRPS (Bad Roleplayers Suck), a rant community on Live Journal. The original poster's moniker is beardedtroll (no, it's not me.)
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GM: Okay, we're all here, so we can start the game. Now, what
characters have you come... If you could just turn off your phones for
now? ... Could you please turn off your phones? ... Excuse me,
but could ... TURN OF THE DAMNED PHONES BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU ALL AND
SELL YOUR ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET! ... Thank you. As I was
saying, we're about ready to start, so if you could tell me your
characters?

Player 1: I'm playing Black Beauty.

GM: Um...

Player 2: What? You can't play Black Beauty. I'm playing Black
Beauty.

Player 1: Oh yeah? Well, I thought of it first so I'm playing
Black Beauty.

GM: I'm sure we can work something...

Player 3: Actually, my character is the real Black Beauty. If
you two want to play characters who think they are Black
Beauty, that's fine with me; my character will just think they've
escaped from an asylum or something.

GM: Um... Horses don't have asylums in this game, Player 3.

Player 1, in the background: Oh yeah?
Player 2, also in the background: Yeah!

Player 4: They don't? Damned, then I have to rework my characters
bacground.

Player 3, in the background: I'm playing the real one.

GM: ... Okay, I'll let you work on that. Err, Player 5. ... You're
not playing Black Beauty too, are you?

Player 5: No, I'm playing a human rider!

GM: Oh, good! We need those.

Player 5: She's Monaco Hilton, Paris' more glamorous sister.

Player 1, still in the bacground: Oh yeah?
Player 2, ditto: Yeah, really
Player 3, likewise: No, I'm the really one.

GM: I'm in hell.

Player 4: Okay, I'm done!

GM: If you're playing Black Beauty too I'll kill you.

Player 4: Huh? No, I'm playing a donkey.

GM: A donkey?

Player 4: Yeah! An army donkey. He's a veteran of the Vietnam war and
have violent flashbacks and a drug addiction!

Player 2, to GM: I'm the one playing Black Beauty, right?

Player 3: She doen't get to play the real Black Beauty!

Player 1: I made my character first!

Player 3: We made them at the same time, but I'm playing the real
Black Beauty because I'm the better player!

Player 5: I didn't put any points into riding. I know the rules say
you have to, but I figured that my character could have a chauffeur
who does all the riding for her, right?

Player 2: If I'm not playing Black Beauty, I'm not playing!

Player 1: Bye!

Player 3: I told you, your character can think she's Black
Beauty.

Player 4: Donkeys can use guns, right? I mean, if they're been in the
army? The can hold them in their teeth, and pull the trigger with
their tongue, right?

...

GM: Hey, it's me. No, the game sort of collapsed. No, I'm just sitting
at home watching TV right now. Say, what's the street price of
pancreas these days?

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Sorry for the c/p job (as you can see, it's rather long.) The original thread is rather, um, "ranty".

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[Snoopy]

A woman asks a Zen Master "Is there life after death?"

The Zen Master replies "How should I know?"

The woman responds indignantly "Because you're a Zen Master!!"

"Yes," says the Zen Master, "but not a dead one."


s.

[Dah-veeth]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

A woman asks a Zen Master "Is there life after death?"

The Zen Master replies "How should I know?"

The woman responds indignantly "Because you're a Zen Master!!"

"Yes," says the Zen Master, "but not a dead one."


s.

These jokes only make sense in Spanish:

Que pasa? Ciruela!
Que onda? Oceano!
Que es eso? Queso!

Ciruela pasa = prune... que pasa? = lit. what's passing?
Oceano onda = the ocean is waving... que onda = lit. what's waving?

Both que pasa and que onda are used as "What's up?"

Queso = cheese... que es eso = what is that?

[Saltmeister]

Originally Posted by Dah-veeth

Que onda? Oceano!
Oceano onda = the ocean is waving... que onda = lit. what's waving?

Here's another good one:

What's waving? The Mexican wave!!!

What's that in Spanish? Is it something like Mexicana onda? Just a guess.

[Snoopy]

Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The cypress tree in the courtyard.






s.

[Quahom1]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The cypress tree in the courtyard.






s.

Not the way I heard it. I thought none were required because they already had the inner light...

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

From an avatar (I don't recall where) for zephyrofgod: "Our pillow, full of drool, Serta be thy name"

From a reply on BRPS (Bad Role Players Suck) concerning a technomage character (Mage: The Ascention published by White Wolf) who didn't know binary: "Okay carry the one, zero zero one one zero -- OH G!D STOP THE MISSILES. I JUST WANTED TO CHECK MY EMAIL." - mercuriazs

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[c0de]

2 guys are walking through an alley at night when a mugger comes out with a knife and shouts: "give me all your money!"

One of the guys takes out his wallet, hands the money to his friend and says: "Here's that $20 I owe ya Bob..."

[Tao_Equus]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The cypress tree in the courtyard.






s.

Hmmmmmm maybe you be a grasshopper not a spider or a lionfish!

[shawn]

This is a real joke:
YouTube - Statue Fail

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

I saw this on Behind the Name.com (a name etymology site I belong to.) Those who are owned by :kitty:s will especially appreciate it.
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Recently Foodgiver, Nicelady, and I have been discussing religion a bit. I found that they are woefully ignorant of the major cat religions even though they are fairly well versed in human religions.

I wonder if other humans are as inadequately informed as my pets are, so I'm offering this as a simple introduction. This is not all-encompassing, but it is a good primer.

I'm not sure how to organize these, so I'll start with the more common religions and then branch out from there.

Chewdaism This is one of the oldest religions. It holds that cats are God's chosen species and are waiting for the Mewssiah to come and lead them to take possession of the Promised Sandbox in the Middle East.

Catsian The Catsian religions hold that the Mewssiah has already come. Rather than leading cats to a Promised Sandbox somewhere on earth, the Promised Sandbox is a reward in the next life. It also holds that all species are precious to God.

Here are a few of the major Catsian religions.

Catolic This is what I am, and it is the oldest of the Catsian religions. It holds that the Mewssiah asked some of his followers to continue to lead and teach while he's away preparing cat beds for us in the next life. The leader of the Catolic Church is The Potato.

American Cattist American Cattists believe in soul freedom: the idea that all cats are free to determine their own paths in life as long as they adhere to the teachings of the Mewssiah.

Southern Cattist Southern Cattists believe in following the recorded teachings of the Mewssiah in a very fundamental way; however, the teachings are open to interpretation and can lead to scandal when the leaders of the Southern Cattist Conference seem to show favoritism in their interpretation. Who can forget when they said that Garfield had not committed the sins of gluttony and sloth?

Mewslim Mewslims believe that God provided a revelation to his prophet Mewhammad about one thousand years ago because his teachings had become confused. Mewhammad was told to bring all cats together again in one religion.

Bootsism Sidcatha was the cat of a very rich family, and he was supremely spoiled; however, one day after getting outside despite his family's attempts to keep him inside, he saw three sights that made him realize that the world was much more than just being spoiled. He changed his name to Bootsa and began teaching the importance of the Litter Path, which is about balance in a cat's life.

Maoism Originally from Asia, this religion teaches that cats need to find balance with each other and nature, which is managed through moderation, compassion, and humility. If you know cats at all, you can see why this can be a very hard doctrine for us to adhere to.

Morrisism Begun in America, this religion was founded by Jaguar Smith, Junior, after he claimed to have been visited by the angel Morrissey. Morrissey said that the Promised Sandbox was not in the Middle East but in America; Jaguar Smith gathered up some of his followers and began traveling across the North American continent. Cats being what they are, they eventually settled in the first desert they came to and called it the Promised Sandbox.

Wickittenism Wickittenism is a nature-based religion. Its followers believe in a pantheistic godhead, usually a god (traditionally the Horned Tom) and a goddess (traditionally the Triple Queen). They believe in communing with nature through the use of magic and other rituals.

Cattite Cattites believe that cats have become too dependent upon humans and human technologies. The first Cattites specifically protested can openers and cans of gooshy food which made cats lazy and less likely to hunt. Of course, many Cattites abandoned the movement when they actually tasted gooshy food for the first time.

Catsatru Followers of Catsatru believe that cats are a superior species and must follow the old gods who most favored cats, usually the Egyptian pantheon. Most followers use Catsatru as a way of showing pride in their species, but there are some on the fringe who are cat supremacists and feel that inferior animal species must be eliminated, which would mean the elimination of dogs, hamsters, gerbils, fish, humans, primates, marsupials, invertebrates, etcetera. Basically, anything not a cat.

This is just a brief introduction to the many and varied cat religions. Also, keep in mind, many cats follow the same religion in different ways as I demonstrated with the Catsian religions. If you wish to know more, speak to your local cat or read one of the many books on cat religions available at your local library or pet supply store.

Catheist Catheists believe that there is no higher power than cats.

Catnostic Catnostics believe that there is no higher power than cats but are willing to be persuaded if the evidence is presented.

Teosinte Zea Mays
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You can find the original on the cat's Facebook (yes, the OP is a cat and he has a Facebook account. )

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[shawn]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed
up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo &
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a
prawn cocktail - it's much worse. ) Looking around the gathering at the
reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he
asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on
the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me
again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"