Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... - Page 3

Snoopy · 10-09-2006, 07:49 PM

"Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder."

Homer Simpson.

YO-ELEVEN-11 · 10-09-2006, 10:14 PM

Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print it", it was all there. "How did he do it." Satan asked?

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."

Not that's funny..LOL..

YO-ELEVEN-11 · 10-09-2006, 11:09 PM

oops i mean "now" thats funny.

YO-ELEVEN-11 · 10-09-2006, 11:48 PM

Top Ten Reason GOD Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

sara[h]ng · 10-10-2006, 01:24 AM

My favorite joke ever.
~~~

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

juantoo3 · 10-14-2006, 12:36 AM

I read a story in the paper recently that intrigued me, about a midget fortune-teller on the run from the law. The headline read: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

Paladin · 10-23-2006, 05:04 AM

Whats large, grey, wrinkled and doesn't matter very much?

Prober · 10-23-2006, 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paladin

Whats large, grey, wrinkled and doesn't matter very much?

What

Paladin · 10-23-2006, 05:06 AM

an irrelephant

Prober · 10-23-2006, 05:07 AM

:d :d :d

Prober · 10-23-2006, 05:09 AM

This lady walks into a bar with a Hippo on her shoulder
I said "Hey, nice hippo".

manephelien · 10-23-2006, 12:20 PM

Why did Moses wander for 40 years in the desert?

Because even in Biblical times men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

17th Angel · 10-30-2006, 12:12 PM

Two fat blokes sitting around a table in a bar... One says to the other;
"You're round."
The other replies;
"So are you, you fat git...."

boom......boom.....

Jack Halyard · 10-31-2006, 10:57 PM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

flowperson · 10-31-2006, 11:02 PM

Seen on a bumper sticker:

"If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to a garage make you a car?"