Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

[seattlegal]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN!

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!! "No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why","Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

[Jack Halyard]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

[pattimax]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper that sold his soul to santa?

[Jack Halyard]

And the dyslexic insomniac agnostic who laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[wil]

Originally Posted by Jack Halyard

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Whatta joke, everyone knows that Haliburton of Dubai has a no bid contract agreement for maintenance of that fence and in concert with the rules of the Davis/Bacon wage act and travel expenses for oversight the actual cost will be 1.4 million dollars...and they'll use the same contractor (no government official only charges $1k it is against union rules and there is never only one to pay....Jefferson and Abramof are still involved)

So funny Jack....$2,700....hehe

[Quahom1]

Originally Posted by wil

Whatta joke, everyone knows that Haliburton of Dubai has a no bid contract agreement for maintenance of that fence and in concert with the rules of the Davis/Bacon wage act and travel expenses for oversight the actual cost will be 1.4 million dollars...and they'll use the same contractor (no government official only charges $1k it is against union rules and there is never only one to pay....Jefferson and Abramof are still involved)

So funny Jack....$2,700....hehe

No, what's funny is I sent that out from a NASA employee six weeks ago, and Jack brings it here...six degrees of Kevin Bacon I suppose...

v/r

Q

[wil]

Originally Posted by Quahom1

No, what's funny is I sent that out from a NASA employee six weeks ago, and Jack brings it here...six degrees of Kevin Bacon I suppose...

if one looked at a joke email family tree...you'd find that in order for both you and Jack to get the email it probably went to well over a million people!!...and you and Jack's email were probably about 5th cousins 6 times removed with a distant common ancestor....

But if it came from NASA forget that 1.4 million, change it 2.7 million, we don't have to pay Jefferson or Abramoff but we do have to have money in for the Area 57 fund.

[Quahom1]

Originally Posted by wil

if one looked at a joke email family tree...you'd find that in order for both you and Jack to get the email it probably went to well over a million people!!...and you and Jack's email were probably about 5th cousins 6 times removed with a distant common ancestor....

But if it came from NASA forget that 1.4 million, change it 2.7 million, we don't have to pay Jefferson or Abramoff but we do have to have money in for the Area 57 fund.

Hmmm, is that a cousin to "Area 51"? ooohp sorry...

[wil]

Over a month since our last joke?? Now that is just ridiculous!

So a guy comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey the light in the hall isn't working, I replaced the bulb, I think it is the switch" He says "Do I look like an electrician, heck I just came home from work, call someone to fix it"

A little later she says the faucet in the upstairs sink won't shut off, it has been dripping for days, "Do I look like a plumber, I'm watchin the news"

She starts to say something about some shingles she noticed in the backyard but she barely go the word shingle out and he said "Do I look like a roofer??"

So the next day he gets home and as he drives up he notices some new shingles on the roof, and when he hangs up his coat the light works, and he goes to wash his hands and the faucet doesn't drip...

"Wow, you got everything fixed. How much did that cost me?" "Nothing" his wife says, "The new guy Bob that moved in next door took care of everything while he was waiting for the moving van. He just said, sex or bake him a cake"

As he walks down the hall he asks, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"

"Now do I look like Betty Crocker?"

[flowperson]

wil...a real classic...

[Jack Halyard]

MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

[Jack Halyard]

Two Women Meet In Heaven:



1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I 'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds . I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both still be alive today.

[Muslimwoman]

Islamic humour:

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

[17th Angel]

My sister just emailed me this lol.......

A Koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says;"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The Koala says "Smoking some weed come up and have some!"
So the little lizard climbs up and sits down by the Koala and smokes a few... After awhile he turns to the Koala and says; "My mouth is very 'dry' and I am going to get a drink from the river...." He goes off too the river but being so stoned when leaning to drink he fell into the river..

A passing crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks; "what's the matter with you??"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree got too stoned and then came here for a drink and fell into the river...

So! The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest following the smoke to the tree where the koala is sitting smoking another joint... Looking up the crocodile said "Hey you!"

The koala slowly turns around and looks down at this big crocodile with a moments pause he then replies: "f*** dude, how much water did you drink???"

[Dondi]

BUBBA'S PROBLEM

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know Preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."