Juan,
So good to see you! Thank you for the warm welcome back.
Tao,
Not sure I understand yet why I was drawn back into the martial practice when for the last twelve years I had eschewed violent endeavors in favor of a peaceful meditative life practice. Shortly after I lost my stepson I got rid of all my weapons and followed a pacifist practice which led me to deep meditaion, Buddhism, Christian mysticism etc. But here of late I felt a desire to begin again a martial practice through which I hope to find the next step in transpersonal, or transfomative pathways. I began shooting at the pistol range again, finding my old skills a bit rusty but not too shabby. I visited several dojos in town to see what their teachers had to show me. Several were just what we call McDojos, but found others to be quite serious. Attending a class in Ninjutsu I found nearly eveyone including the Sensei to be at least twenty years my junior

I found a Krav Maga class in which there were men my own age, and began pracicing there. I find the atmosphere invigorating without being filled with ego and mindless aggression.
Again, I'm not sure what I will find, but I do notice a much more contemplative attitude within myself as I practice these things, as if I needed to return to find a balance. Perhaps this is a Zen practice where there is no real compartmentalization between aspects of life. Between being gentle, kind, compassionate and the more combative aggression needed to defend those weaker than myself, and face situations in which the time for peaceful conflict resolution is over.
Since I have no earthly idea what I'm doing, or what I'm about here I am feeling my way through this. It did help me to learn that many others have traveled this path and have found completeness in their practice so I have hope that I am not completely confused