Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement - Page 6

Bandit · 02-18-2005, 03:24 AM

HELICOPTER RIDE

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER,
I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

aquaris · 05-10-2005, 04:48 PM

Scientists have finally solved the riddle of what wrong with humans...

The problem lies in the two parts of their brain....The left brain and the right brain...

the problem is... In the left brain there is nothing right....

and in the Right brain there is nothing left....

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 05-12-2005, 10:55 PM

Here's a list of "quotes" that a couple of friends gave me (on cards):

1) Quantum Physics says: You'll never find me if I stand still.
2) Quantum Physics says: You can't prove I'm speeding if you know I'm in your jurisdiction.
3) When you're swept up by the Rapture I'm taking your stuff.
4) This politickin' stuff is hard without detect evil.
5) If I were using my full power level I'd be acing this class.
6) Tautology: either you get it, or you don't.
7) Arguing with you is like trying to hang myself in zero gravity.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

alexa · 05-13-2005, 12:05 AM

They are really funny, Phyllis. I'll try to remember the last one at work.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 05-26-2005, 01:49 AM

Here're some more (definitely something for chocolate lovers):

Chocolate is not just for breakfast
Nothing is real except chocolate
Give me chocolate and noone gets hurt
Chocolate is not a matter of life or death, it's more important than that!
Things are getting worse. Please send chocolate. (originally on a postcard)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

aquaris · 05-26-2005, 06:27 PM

Great Writer
"There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 07-26-2005, 08:01 PM

RE: The Men's Corner Tavern ( Ladies Welcome)Posted by: boeboe165Posted on: 7/26/2005 12:27:35 PM#R6101788HOLD IT.......there's more.............
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN LOUISIANA IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.

God Bless Our State of LOUISIANA!!

InLove · 07-26-2005, 08:15 PM

LOL--sounds like Texas!

Awaiting_the_fifth · 07-29-2005, 02:27 PM

There are only 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

(bit of a nerd joke, sorry)

alexa · 07-29-2005, 09:44 PM

I don't.

Awaiting_the_fifth · 08-05-2005, 10:50 AM

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

Awaiting_the_fifth · 08-05-2005, 10:53 AM

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

InLove · 08-05-2005, 02:48 PM

That's really cute! Hadn't heard that one

.

17th Angel · 10-31-2006, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by I, Brian

If not too risque:

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! I haven't laughed at an online joke for years... This was good. *puts the 17th mark of approval on this joke*

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine · 08-06-2007, 07:34 AM

A poem from one of I, Brian's other forums (FreeCafe Online Chatrooms.) Here's the link to the thread: Ode to housework - FreeCafe Online Chat Forums

Ode to housework

Why housework, why oh why,
its a never ending slog,
no matter how i try.
the kitchen and bathroom,
the livingroom too,
and lets not forget the bedrooms,
all covered in goo.
somedays i think,
the best thing to do,
would be to move to a new house
then mess that too.

Princess Ivy