Opening... - Page 2

InLove · 01-22-2007, 04:24 PM

Hi Angel--

I have cobwebs in my head today. Maybe, if you'd be interested, I can get back to you with some comments later on in the week. What do you think?

I am thinking that you shouldn't tone down your style too much, but write the way you write. Ultimately it is you who can make this opening a grabber!

Anyway, if you have time, give me some and I'll come back and say something that hopefully helps.

InPeace,
InLove

17th Angel · 01-23-2007, 02:33 PM

Give you some...... ?

InLove · 01-23-2007, 02:57 PM

Time. I know--no one can give me time. My time is my own. Sort of. Right?

17th Angel · 01-23-2007, 02:59 PM

Indeed!!

InLove · 01-26-2007, 03:32 PM

Hi Angel--

Been taking some time

to really read your succesive drafts. I am noticing that you seem to be drawing some from your military experience. I think this is probably a writing strongsuit for you, because when we write what we know, we can really paint the picture.

I don't usually engage in rearranging, but I had some ideas that I thought might be helpful. It won't offend me at all if you don't like them or think they are corny. And I'm not trying to re-write what you have. Just throwing something out there for your consideration. You can use it if you want, but I think it's better if you see it as suggestions, because you are a talented writer, and probably more than I. I just thought if you heard your ideas from another perspective and a little different order, it might help energize your muse.

Hope it's okay with you that I submit this.

It was mid-October. Menacing grey clouds dominated the frozen landscape, advancing over the barren countryside, announcing themselves with increasing rhythm like the beating and rolling of a drum. A bone-chilling wind invaded the land near the small village of Moorhaven, ripping the few remaining leaves off the fruitless trees, forcing them from their peaceful rest up into the swirling chaos that suddenly careened around corners of buildings and through the almost empty alleys.

Like I said, just offering a spark from my own feeble thoughts.

InPeace,
InLove

17th Angel · 01-26-2007, 03:36 PM

Any thoughts are welcome and very appreciated Inlove!

I like that, that's nice

I can kinda see what you mean by comparing your version to mine... *nods* My military experience? You think that is in my writing? I don't see that... Just curious what makes that come across?

InLove · 01-26-2007, 03:45 PM

Whew! I'm glad you were okay with that.

Quote:

My military experience? You think that is in my writing? I don't see that... Just curious what makes that come across?

I noticed you use terms like "dominating" and "ungovernable" (which is very cool, by the way--I don't think I've ever thought of that term before). Just something about the way you presented the omen--it made me think of advance guards and fanfares and impending siege and appropriation.

InPeace,
InLove

17th Angel · 01-26-2007, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InLove

Whew! I'm glad you were okay with that.

I noticed you use terms like "dominating" and "ungovernable" (which is very cool, by the way--I don't think I've ever thought of that term before). Just something about the way you presented the omen--it made me think of advance guards and fanfares and impending siege and appropriation.

InPeace,
InLove

Aaaaaaah, yeah it is meant to be like "an army of darkness" escorting their leader to a destination of sorts lol.

17th Angel · 01-26-2007, 04:31 PM

Gone slightly more military? And stole lol a bit of your writing...

It was mid October, the wind was violent, cold, and chilled to the bone, waiting for the right moment to instigate chaos. Menacing skies were grey and angry surrounding the entire frozen landscape. In the far distance darker clouds slowly drew near, lurking like a horde of predators. Every so often, a rumble came rolling from above the clouds, followed shortly by quick flashes of blinding light, that rushed through the holes of the thick blanket. They illuminated for brief moments the barren and dull countryside. Aggravated, became the winds provoking the mystifying dark ungovernable clouds of brutal force, to march on and begin destruction. They clearly showed dominance over the entire land and skies, placing a dull shadow upon everything within it’s path, consumed into it’s void. War drums warning of their arrival became louder and clearer with every passing moment, the thunder striking out, as if this dark force was accompanied by a band corps. One almighty and powerful drum major that echoed it’s boom for miles, engulfing the major, ample amounts of lighter beats trailing. Leaving nothing but, a path of gloom and harder hitting rain, which stormed with pure aggression to oppress, an air assault began and the rain drops fell, hard.. Trees, fruitless struggling to stand their ground, and their few remaining leaves fell and scattered randomly and hustled their way through the winds. As if perchance, they knew what laid in store, without hesitation beat their retreat and began to flee. Standing out like falling ambers, that crash landed upon the icy and wet cobbled stone ground. These leaves like others, were on a downward spiral, the end of their path was close and inevitable all they could do was helplessly sit back and watch. As their final stop, their awaiting grave, became closer and closer.

InLove · 01-30-2007, 01:28 PM

Just a note to let you know I haven't forgotten the conversation! Just thinking. Re-reading and contemplation, ya know. I have an appointment later today, and I don't want to go! There is always lots of wait time there, so I'm printing out some reading material and you will be going with me today.

InPeace,
InLove

17th Angel · 01-30-2007, 01:36 PM

I’m honoured... Thank you…

--edit--

If you wanted more than the opening paragraph to simply just read, not to correct, to kinda see where I am going with this? I could supply you with that? No problem you don't.

17th Angel · 01-31-2007, 01:46 PM

Also what is the best way.... To get experience of "compassion"? I wish to bring this across... But, I haven't really got what it takes for this part... All my works are dark, cold and just the opposite of love, mercy and compassion.... This book I wish to bring a drop of goodness.... :/ Any works I should read?

The letter from Valeria... In the film/graphic novel of V for Vendetta gives me a slight taste of love lol... But wondering if there is anything else I can read to kinda help kick start compassion.

InLove · 01-31-2007, 03:28 PM

Hi Angel--

Quote:

If you wanted more than the opening paragraph to simply just read, not to correct, to kinda see where I am going with this? I could supply you with that? No problem you don't.

Apparently, I must have logged out yesterday morning before I saw your edit. I'd love to read anything you would like to post in that regard. I am sure I'm not alone. And just to clarify, I am really not trying to correct anything--just offering feedback. Keep in mind that I tutored writers at the college level for a while, but I did find myself in over my head occasionally! So any comments I submit are intended to help you imagine what someone (or many someones) on the viewing end of your creations might perceive.

I did take your drafts with me yesterday, and I was glad to have them--I waited 6 1/2 hours to see a doctor who spent maybe 15 minutes with me! Not blaming the doctor--it is just frustrating to wait so long. But I made the proverbial lemonade. So not only did I come to understand quite a bit more about the different schools in Buddhist philosophy, I also had time to figure out what it is that I would like to offer in regard to your opening lines.

I had been thinking that the scene is just a bit confusing to me--the part about the weather and the storm and the leaves, etc. (Not the part at the church--that seems a bit more organized, which allows for your ideas to come through more clearly. Whether you ultimately decide to present this in a separate paragraph likely depends on how much you want to keep about the storm.)

I noticed that when you foreshadow with the elements of the approaching storm, there is quite a bit of repetition. I will try to illustrate:

Quote:

It was mid October, the wind was violent, cold, and chilled to the bone, waiting for the right moment to instigate chaos. Menacing skies were grey and angry surrounding the entire frozen landscape. In the far distance darker clouds slowly drew near, lurking like a horde of predators. Every so often, a rumble came rolling from above the clouds, followed shortly by quick flashes of blinding light, that rushed through the holes of the thick blanket. They illuminated for brief moments the barren and dull countryside.

Here you have presented the winds, the clouds, the landscape, the clouds again, the thunder, the lightening, the clouds, and again the the landscape.

A bit of editing and organizing would make it all work well, but you follow it again:

Quote:

Aggravated, became the winds provoking the mystifying dark ungovernable clouds of brutal force, to march on and begin destruction. They clearly showed dominance over the entire land and skies, placing a dull shadow upon everything within it’s path, consumed into it’s void. War drums warning of their arrival became louder and clearer with every passing moment, the thunder striking out, as if this dark force was accompanied by a band corps. One almighty and powerful drum major that echoed it’s boom for miles, engulfing the major, ample amounts of lighter beats trailing. Leaving nothing but, a path of gloom and harder hitting rain, which stormed with pure aggression to oppress, an air assault began and the rain drops fell, hard..

Here we have clouds again, the land again, and then you have introduced the path of destruction and its inevitable resulting void. Then you re-introduce the clouds, thunder and lightening once more, but then we come back to the void. I think the assault of the rain drops is good, but I just wonder if maybe it belongs somewhere closer to the end of the "weather report". You know--the invading force that started with those distant drums is now upon us without a doubt, and we are toast!

Quote:

Trees, fruitless struggling to stand their ground, and their few remaining leaves fell and scattered randomly and hustled their way through the winds. As if perchance, they knew what laid in store, without hesitation beat their retreat and began to flee. Standing out like falling ambers, that crash landed upon the icy and wet cobbled stone ground. These leaves like others, were on a downward spiral, the end of their path was close and inevitable all they could do was helplessly sit back and watch. As their final stop, their awaiting grave, became closer and closer.

We are back to the landscape again. Something about the leaves and the trees bothers me. I know the idea is important to you. I can tell by the emphasis. But I keep wondering how the leaves can be complacent and taken by force if they also willingly take part in the storm? (I am probably not explaining my thoughts very well here, but I'm trying.) Something about the first and second sentences--something about grammatical agreement. "Trees," "leaves," and "they." Do you see what I mean? I get the idea that the leaves are "crashing", which just seems uncharacteristic of leaves in general. The picture in my mind isn't clear. By the way, do you mean "ambers" or "embers"?

I know it looks like I'm just tearing it all apart. That isn't my intent. Just taking a closer look. I know I am the one who suggested more descriptive devices, but what I may have inadvertantly done is led you toward over-elaboration. I know that when I write, I often get attached to certain terms or phrases that I just don't want to let go. And I wind up with all this great language I want to use, but the idea I am trying to convey tends to blur with too much of a good thing. Something like that anyway!

Again, these are only the thoughts of one person--me, and I'm just offering them in the event that they actually have a shred of merit.

Quote:

Also what is the best way.... To get experience of "compassion"? I wish to bring this across... But, I haven't really got what it takes for this part... All my works are dark, cold and just the opposite of love, mercy and compassion.... This book I wish to bring a drop of goodness.... :/ Any works I should read?

Hmmm--so many works of literature out there that contain the essence of the seed! I'll think on it. But what makes you think you don't have it within yourself? If I say I see it in you, would you believe me?

I have heard of some artists in various genres who never look or listen to the work of others. I don't know--sounds a bit strange, I guess, but "creating" is just that--creating. Gotta start somewhere, right? Anyway, I'll think about it, and I'll just bet that in the meantime, there will be some other posters with some great suggestions! (By the way, aren't you the one with the huge DVD collection? Maybe there are some expressions of the concept right there....)

InPeace,
InLove

17th Angel · 01-31-2007, 03:52 PM

lol.... I am indeed the one with the DVD collection... Alas not much of this will help to give me this feeling... I am not sure what it is... But there is something I want to bring across... The main character is to be a mere child... But, he basically turns into this upright god fearing hero.... But I myself am not a hero, nor am I god fearing.... I will manage I am sure... Just, nevermind... lol.

Sure I will post all I have so far... Keep in mind, I write many paragraphs very basic... Then once I have got to some point turn back and go back over the paragraphs to tidy up and give more detail... I do this in fear of losing an idea.

I can see what you are saying about how I go

clouds! Heres some land... here is the rain, clouds! heres the land again!! oh wait.. clouds..... Wheres the rain? Some land? Clouds!!!

I will work on that....

I don't mind honestly I know you are giving suggestions and feedback.. I am really thankful for that... Please hit as hard and honest as you wish. I won't break.

The leaves? Yes... I don't wish to let go of that... Because that is comparing the church people, they become the leaves... and later on others become those leaves..... heh. Just like the coin rolling to the end of it's journey that also is to compare others such as the church people coming to the end of their journey...

I am thankful honestly for your time... I have no other chances of showing people this and getting an honest opinion... My wife will not criticise me.... and says all I do is perfect.. I thank her for this but it isn't truly that helpful...

Anyway here is what I have so far... Just to see what you think of the whole idea in general.... Remember I still have alot of work to do on this lol....

InLove · 01-31-2007, 03:55 PM

Angel--LOL! I just looked up from my screen and outside my window it is snowing--a soft, gentle snow. And it is not sticking to the ground. I walked outside and it doesn't feel cold. Wow. Can't remember how long it has been since I have seen that here. Its beautiful! Even the traffic that I can see from here on a busy thouroughfare has slowed down and stopped being noisy.

I was just thinking that maybe you could eventually present part of the picture of compassion through the weather paintings as well....

Just a thought.

InPeace,
InLove

Edit--figured we would cross in the mail--just saw your last post. I'll check it out later--right now I am going to get some hot chocolate and enjoy this picture!