Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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I'm not sure if I posted this before, but I think it is appropriate for this thread

RE: Prayer request please

Posted by: Jannalee_CAPosted on: 8/24/2004 11:53:13 AM#R4279812Red - Great news on Taffy...Now here's some advice:

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL...

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty" Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7 Have a good cry. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and OOOOPS!

9 This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos

10 Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread town on floor.

11 Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12 Spread cat on towel near one end with it's head over long edge.

13 Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.

14 Roll cat in towel. Work fast' time and tabies wait for no one.

15 Resume position 1 Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press it's mouth at the jow hinges like opening petals of snapdragon.

16 Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Viola! It's done.

17 Vacuum up loose fur (cat'! s) Apply bandages towounds (yours)

18 Take two asprins and lie down

19 Wait two weeks. Remove regurgitated pill from under sofa

Jannalee


**************************************************************************************************************

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

BluejayWay

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de-noel.jpg


Ooooops....
 

alexa

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Funny Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."


(Poor Aristotle. It's not easy to stay serious with Homer in front of you. :D )
 

BluejayWay

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LOL, reminds me of the episode attributed to Winston Churchill:


On being told by Bessie Braddock MP: "Winston, You're drunk!" he replied "Bessie, You're ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober."
 

alexa

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I hope you'll like better the following one. I've just read it on SF & fantasy forum :

Calculating *** Kissing

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the ******** and *** kissing that will put you over the top.:)
 

aquaris

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Sherlock and Watson are out camping. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.
"Watson, please look up and tell me what you deduce."
"Well, my dear Holmes, I observe the awesome size of the universe, and the vast multitude of stars shining down on us. If we assume that even a small percentage have planets capable of supporting life, I deduce that somewhere out there, life must indeed exist."
"Watson you idiot, someone's stolen our tent!"
 

aquaris

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Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?
 

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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Overheard (from the lips of a 17-year-old): If you have the audacity to cast doubts upon my veracity I shall fling my phalanges in such a manner as to horizontalize your perpendicularity.

A quote from President Abraham Lincoln: No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

aquaris

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A Sardar applied for admission to a Medical College.

He never made it thru the Common Entrance Test (CET).

And he just could not understand why!!!!

Here's his Answer paper.

Define the following:

ANTI BODY - against everyone

ARTERY - the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria

BENIGN - what you be after eight

BOWEL - letters like a, e, I, o, you.

CAESAREAN SECTION - a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of card playing

CAT SCAN - searching for a lost kitty

CHRONIC - the neck of a crow

COMA - punctuation mark

CORTISONE - area around the local court

CYST - short for sister

DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose

DILATE - the late British Princess Diana

DISLOCATION - in this place

DUODENUM - a couple in blue jeans

ENEMA - not a friend
 

aquaris

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A wrinkle in time

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"
 

aquaris

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An programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The programmer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you
and do ANYTHING you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled
at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look I'm an programmer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
laugh.gif
 

lunamoth

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Hope this is not a duplication of anything above. :)

And this is the way it is.


One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's
honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went
home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with
Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my
husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not
in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and
in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!
:D
 
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alexa

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That's a very good one, lunamoth ! :D

Aquaris, I showed the joke with the frog to my boyfriend (he is a pragrammer). He laughed and said that was true for all programmers. Maybe I should hide his computer ? :D
 

aquaris

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Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 

Bandit

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HELICOPTER RIDE
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER,
I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
 

aquaris

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Scientists have finally solved the riddle of what wrong with humans...


The problem lies in the two parts of their brain....The left brain and the right brain...

the problem is... In the left brain there is nothing right....

and in the Right brain there is nothing left....
 

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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Here's a list of "quotes" that a couple of friends gave me (on cards):

1) Quantum Physics says: You'll never find me if I stand still.
2) Quantum Physics says: You can't prove I'm speeding if you know I'm in your jurisdiction.
3) When you're swept up by the Rapture I'm taking your stuff.
4) This politickin' stuff is hard without detect evil.
5) If I were using my full power level I'd be acing this class.
6) Tautology: either you get it, or you don't.
7) Arguing with you is like trying to hang myself in zero gravity.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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Here're some more (definitely something for chocolate lovers):

Chocolate is not just for breakfast
Nothing is real except chocolate
Give me chocolate and noone gets hurt
Chocolate is not a matter of life or death, it's more important than that!
Things are getting worse. Please send chocolate. (originally on a postcard)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
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