Discussion in 'Abrahamic Religions' started by Quahom1, Jan 23, 2005.
Here you go.
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark.
One: Don’t miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the Cheetahs.
Nine: When you’re stressed, float for awhile.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic, by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.
this one isn't really a joke....but i found it funny.
i went to see my local catholic priest last week taking my 2 small children with me. after they'd had some chocolate biscuits and squash and played in the garden for a while, my little girl came up to the priest and asked "why haven't you got some children and a mummy?" to which the priest replied "dash it! i new there was something i forgot to do! there i was wondering why i was doing all that cooking and washing by myself!"
Hi, Peace to All Here--
This one has probably made the rounds, but just in case someone hasn't heard it--
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a card and wrote:"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it
was this cryptic message:
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he
brok up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden
and I was afraid for I was naked."
A golfer was way behind in the championship game when he hit ball into the rough. Bending to retrieve it , he came face to face with a leprechaun. Want some help with your game? the leprechaun asked. "That would be great" O'kay ,said the leprechaun but for every time I help you'll lose one year of your sex life. The golfer agreed and won the game. Getting into his car he found the leprechaun sitting on his dashboard with a pad and pencil. I helped you ten times . That is ten years. Now what's your name?
Hi, and Peace to All Here--
This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was worth posting.
A Mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. "What food might this contain?" He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house!; there is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house."
The pig sympathized but said, I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse, But there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow. She said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you. But it's no skin off my nose."
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient, chicken.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well. She died. And so many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
So next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it doesn't concern you, remember that when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. In the book of Genesis, Cain said about Abel his brother to our God: "Am I my brother's keeper?" We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and be willing to make that extra effort to encourage one another.
But, this was supposed to be a place of gentle humor...
Good story, wrong place to put it.
Hi, and Peace--
Oops--sorry about that--I guess I saw a bit of humor involved. My bad .
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck
would have it a filling station was just a block away. She walked to the
station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her the
only petrol can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could
fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it up,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring it into her tank two men observed her from across the
street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm
Don't view the images on the following site if you have work to do today.
A few religious and general photos.
[font=arial,helvetica]Who was Jesus?
[font=arial,helvetica]My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
[font=arial,helvetica]My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."[/font]
[font=arial,helvetica]2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
[font=arial,helvetica]My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
[font=arial,helvetica]My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
[font=arial,helvetica]My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
[font=arial,helvetica]My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
[font=arial,helvetica]But my women friends have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
A Jesuit asks his Spiritual Director: "Is it OK to smoke while I pray?"
"No!" Comes the horrified response, "such a thing is sacreligious!!"
"Then is it OK to pray while I smoke?"
"Of course! Praise of God should be ever on outr lips!"
On a sailing weekend, I found myself standing at the mast with arms outspread, keeping the boom full out, as we drifted along in the whisper of a following breeze. Inevitably someone hinted at that terrible and sacreligious old joke (I being the only Catholic in the crew) which I paraphrased as "Hey skip, I can see your house from here."
Someone asked what my Dominican parish priest would have to say about that, which prompted this overview of the Catholic monastic orders:
Had I cracked the joke -
The Benedictines would set me a contemplation of the Cross;
The Franciscans would set me to work in the garden;
The Dominicans would set me a theological dissertation;
The Jesuits would set me on fire.
JESUS SAVES................He passes to Moses...he shoots...he scores!
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
" No Way !"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
" TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
I hadn't heard that one before. LOVE it!
From an email ...
KIDS IN CHURCH
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of t he car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? "
A Priest and a Teacher went for a game of golf one Sunday afternoon, the Priest happened to be pretty good at golf but the same couldn't be said for the Teacher.
The Teacher stepped up to take the first stroke and completely missed the golf ball...
"DAMN, I missed!!"
The Priest rebuked him, and asked him to mind his language.
Stepping up to have another go, determined to at least hit the ball this time, the Teacher swung for the ball and missed again...
"G*D-DAMN, I missed again!!"
The Priest warned the Teacher, "you just took the Lord's name in a worthless way, I urge you repent and refrain from doing this again lest the Lord angers and decides to strike you down dead".
When the Teacher tried to hit the ball for a third time, missing again was the final straw...
"G*D-DAMN, BLOODY BALL!!!"
At this point the clouds started to gather. The sky darkened and the heavens trembled. And without warning lightning bolted down from the sky and hit the Priest...
"DAMN, I missed!!"
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,
living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire
outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux
to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux
Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday Night
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
in amazement and watched.
There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
bumped for a laugh
LOL> good ones
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