Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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Slightly religious (mea culpa):
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Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

Namaste Jesus

Praise the Lord and Enjoy the Chai
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This reminded me of when I managed a Woolworth many years ago and the way people's minds work. We had this big fishbowl filled with loose wrapped candy sitting on the checkout counter. They were only 5 cents each, but no takers. Knowing a little bit about marketing, I changed the price to 4 for 25 cents. Had to constantly keep refilling the bowl! :D
 

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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Is this true for anyone here?
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I feel a tad sorry for the Pepsi employee here since I know that several businesses will secretly swith the fountain drinks without notice:
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Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

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One of my favorite funny commercials (struggling actor makes mincemeat of Liberty's script).

 

JonDD22

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An Old Man and His Garden

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An old man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

+++++++++++++


one more from the Garden State...



Question: "Why are all New Yorkers depressed?"



Answer: "Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey."
 
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JonDD22

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My cats are sometimes fur balls of love, like Star Trek tribbles and sometimes mini lions full to the brim with all out war. I fear that. I fear them. I feed them and hope for the best...
 

JonDD22

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couple of marriage jokes...

Marriage Joke #1

The Three Rings of Marriage...

1) The Engagement Ring
2) The Wedding Ring
3) The Suffer - Ring


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Marriage Joke #2


Doctor: "I have horrible news, you only have six months to live."

Patient: "That is terrible! What should I do?"

Doctor: "You should get married."

Patient: "Get married? What are you talking about? With only six months to live? Why should I get married?"

Doctor: "You see, if you get married....that six months? It will FEEL like a lifetime..."


+++
 

JonDD22

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one more...


Blind Pilots Joke


Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms into an airport. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane!

People start to stare.

They walk straight through the gate, through the employee entrance!

People start to talk.

Inside a plane, the two men are seen walking up the aisle of the aircraft!
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin.

Everyone is waiting for the joke to stop.

The men enter the cockpit!

The joke is not stopping.

The door closes!

The joke is not stopping.

Everyone is waiting for the joke to stop.

The engines start up!

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats see that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport!!!

Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water and sure death, panicked screams fill the cabin.

Just at that exact moment, the plane lifts up and begins a smooth ascent.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

In the cockpit, one of the men turns to the other.

He says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days.....they're not gonna scream and we're all gonna die !!!"
 

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Blind Pilots Joke
What follows are true stories, experienced by my uncle, who used to fly regularly on a local airline.

Cockpit door opens, and pilot emerges, walking carefully backwards, holding a string in each hand that leads back into the cockpit.

Pilot steps back until he's level with the first row of passengers. He gives the aisle-side passenger on his left and right their string. "Hold these tight," he says, "I'm just going to the loo."

On another occasion, he sat in a front seat, wearing an old tweed jacket, and making an obvious and irritated fuss until the presence of an impatient and ill-tempered man was known by all. Then he announced, "I've had enough of this," at which he stalked across and entered the pilots's cabin, slamming the door behind him. Then the engines began running up.

The flight was a local airline, and the business travellers regulars, who knew the pilot and his tricks, but it seems someone's sense of humour failed, and he was removed ... my uncle hated flying, used to drink himself insensible on long trips (not sure he'd get away with that today), but he said that pilot was the only one he trusted.
 
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