Bill Hicks

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One of the greatest social comedians, who knew that the best humour is rooted in truth.

During this time of the second Iraq War, here's a little reminder of his words from 1991, during Gulf War I:

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Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq "farming equipment" which Iraq then "converted". How do they do this?

"Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."

Wow! It was a chicken coop, it's now a nuclear reactor!"

"This war's for Aladdin." Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I'm curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?

"Oh okay, well it's stuff for the farmers of Iraq."



"Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake."

"No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around Boooo."

"But you know what the Iraqis did with that?"

There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole?

"We could have done our research better perhaps yes."

What else did you sell 'em?

"Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing... for the farmer."

"The, er, armoured tractor."

"No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won't see a tree and they'll hit it maybe and there'll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em."

"So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps."

"Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?"

"Can't trust 'em."

I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the f*cking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the sh*t out of em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane... Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet:

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun".

"Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble mister."

"Pick up the gun."

Boom bom

"You all saw him. He had a gun."


See, everyone got boners over the technology, and it was pretty incredible. Watching missiles fly down air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHOOP. The Stealth Banana. Smart fruit!
"And you know what's wild, people's, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:

"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It's a long time ago - just forget about it."

And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me.

As long as we're talking shelf life here.

"Bill, you know Jesus died for you."

Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!

How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files. Quit washing your hands Pilate - release the goddam files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?

"Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go."

That's another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the White House.

Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years.

[Eyes roll back in head]

"Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord."

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God.

What the..? Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay.

I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.

You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?

"That's right."

Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"uh huh."


You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'

But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in.

He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith."

Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man.

I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude.

You believe that?

"uh huh."

Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around:

"Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha."

[mimes God burying fossils]

"I am God, I am a prankster."

"I am killing Me."

You know, You die and go to St. Peter...

"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"

"Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere"

Thuh [trapdoor opens]


"You fuckin idiot."

"Flying lizards, you're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"

"It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"

"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"

You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

"I believe God created me in one day"

Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?

"I think what God meant to say..."

I have never been that confident.

Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living Bible', it's the bible in updated and modern English. I guess to make it more palatable for people to read. But its really weird, when you listen to it.

"And Jesus walked on water. And Peter said, 'Awesome!'"

Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ's Bogus Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210, you know.

Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man?


May be why he hasn't shown up yet.

"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin, dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might show up again, but... Let me bury fossil heads with you Dad, Fuck em - Let's Fuck with them! They're fuckin with me now, lets get em. Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."

You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know."

From Bill Hicks - Revelations live at the Dominion Theatre, London
Bill Hicks was a master. He actually came to Hull, but I missed the show (as usual :( ). A firned went and said that Bill did requests - people calling for the "waffle waitress" diatribe, etc. I have no idea what lame excuse I had for not going.
I quite agree he will be sadly missed. The guy had an amazing habit of turning the smallest things into big political rants, but never strayed far from the truth, hence the messages in his humour were always quite powerful. That dig at fundamentalist christian beliefs was one of the funniest I've seen, mostly because it is so true. I have nothing against fundamentalist christians, but to me it just seems ridiculaus to make an excuse for everything that doesn't fit into your proposed model, or is that just how scientific method works today......[I will stop before I begin to rant] ;D