The One Who I Am



I enjoy the dynamics of your forum and am stirred to shed my self-made barriers and share some notes from my life journey.

I was raised Catholic and attracted to the mystical aspects. As a teenager, though, I was conflicted by my feelings and during one Mass, after taking communion, I went outside and spit the wafer onto the snow. Not disrespectfully, but because it did not feel authentic to me.

At fourteen, wrote a paper titled “Man” that so stirred up people I ended up spending a summer in the Idaho wilderness with my canine friend Kiche, hiking the river trails. The idea was to help me learn to appreciate society. On that level, it didn’t work. But the experience was awesome.

At sixteen and seventeen, I practiced Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism, corresponded with T. Lobsang Rampa (author of "The Third Eye" and other metaphysical books), interviewed Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in a small log cabin in Estes Park for the high school newspaper, wrote articles and was editor of the literary magazine, "Myriad."

For many years my self-identity was as a spiritual seeker, in search of the “highest truth,” and in my work, I was a “professional niche-seeker.”

Through a series of events, I fell in love with a saved, born again, spirit-filled Christian who loved the Lord and held a strong conviction of the literal interpretation of the Bible as the infallible word of God. Gradually my worldview shifted from metaphysical to fundamental, until I was about forty.

Another series of events shook me awake to the trap I’d caught myself in, and over a period of eight years through choices and will, I extracted myself from it and painfully, out of a twenty-five year marriage. I had kept God in a box, but He got out. I wrote principles to live by, such as “I respect the right of others to their beliefs and choices, and am true to mine,” and “I appreciate diversity.”

Over the last three years of the fundamentalist belief system and co-dependent marriage, before traveling cross-country and changing my life, I reviewed about five hundred books to write profiles in two volumes of "Vision River Guide." The first was on "Finding Life Purpose," the second on "Awareness and Energy Medicine."

Now, six years later, the volumes seem dry and intellectual. But they served a great purpose as instruments to bring my life partner Kati and me together. We found ourselves in the same gathering of energy and spiritual healers in Ashland, Oregon. As she and her oldest son were leaving halfway through the meeting, I offered her a copy of "Vision River Guide." She declined, but her son accepted. When she got home, the inner voice spoke strongly to her to return and talk with me. Though she knew little English, she came back by herself and we walked and talked in the misty rain. We have shared the journey since.

Kati and I traveled the last six years, living in India, Spain, Hawaii and New Zealand and filling our lives with spiritual exploration, discovery, adventure and evolution, which I wrote into short stories and rhyming poetry. We are caretakers of a new web site that gives an open call for art, writing and music focused on eternal qualities such as courage, compassion, playfulness and strength. And we enjoy yoga, didgeridoo, and finding creative ways to meet life challenges.

Now I know my niche, and the spirit and truth I sought, are within me. :)