Cat Physics II


Well-Known Member
Reaction score
Cat Physics II

By Bobby Neal Winters

As you may recall from my first article regarding the physics of cats, I live in a house that the laws of the universe have decreed to be a three-cat house. (This differs from what is commonly referred to as a cathouse in a number of interesting ways, but I digress.) That is to say, for some reason, my house is not allowed to have more than three cats. If we get rid of one, another comes to take its place, and if we get a fourth, one of the cats disappears.

As you may recall, this was tested last summer following my church's Vacation Bible School at which a kitten began to follow my Middle-Child around. Against my best scientific judgment, I allowed the kitten to be brought home. Sure enough the universe began to swallow up various parts of the kitten as my other cats crossed the property line at inopportune times.

This kitten was named "Shadow." Note the usage of the past tense, because Shadow is no longer among us, at least not in than manifestation. My wife Jean maintains that she was taken by college students as his disappearance coincided with that of some of our college-student neighbors, but to me, this is simply more support for my theory of "conservation of cats." Given the persistence of the three larger cats at my home, the universe simply reabsorbed her.
At least that is what I thought at the time. There have been other developments when have caused me to refine my theory further, but such is the way of the scientist.

During the month before Christmas, there was a lot of unexplained giggling. I only noticed this in hindsight. When you are the only man living in a house with four women ranging in age from five to I-better-not-say, there is a lot going on that you just don't understand and don't want to. However, at one point the giggling five-year-old wagged a cat into my presence.

For you to fully understand this, I need to describe our three main cats. Cat one is Ziggy who is a neutered, male tiger cat, cat two is Stars who is a black cat spotted with brown, and cat three is Hyper who is a rather scruffy Siamese given to puking at inopportune moments.

The cat which was wagged into my presence was a tiger cat, and I assumed, therefore, that he was Ziggy. However, upon further examination, prompted by my spouse saying, "Good grief, LOOK at the cat," I discovered that the animal was not Ziggy at all. He was smaller and scruffier, a kitten really.

My beloved, trusted family had been hiding this animal (in plain sight, I might add) for an even yet undisclosed period of time, and for no better reason than to see how stupid I was. The five-year-old called off the experiment when my density was proven to be off the scale.
The new arrival has been christened "Squishy" from a scene in Finding Nemo. Squishy has some odd properties that have made him worthy of further study. Squishy is a male and a tiger cat, which have already been mentioned. His resemblance to Ziggy was closed enough to cause confusion. This has led me to form a hypothesis. Squishy is really a different manifestation of the departed Shadow. Shadow disappeared and then reappeared at a much later time. However, in her travels she somehow passed through Ziggy and absorbed Ziggy's coloring and gender. This is supported by the fact that Squishy has approximately the same mass as Shadow.

I believe that my theories hold promise to help in space travel. There is evidence to support the notion that Shadow/Squishy's extended disappearance was caused by an extra-solar trip to the planet Ringworm, as there have been signs of it here and there.

Furthermore, Squishy has shown signs of the ability to teleport himself through walls. During the recent cold wave with lows close to zero, Squishy mysteriously appeared in our basement. Jean believes that he squeezed in through holes in our foundation and spent an afternoon in our crawlspace filling them in, only to have Squishy reappear in our heating ductwork the next day. Here I believe that we must invoke Occam's Razor and concede that teleportation is the simplest explanation for this phenomenon.

My scientific investigations of this continue, and I will keep you updated on further developments in this interesting area of scientific research.
Biblical cats

I have cats at home. At one time we must have had more than eight of them in the house. They have different personalities like people. One is hard to get along with; another eats a lot; a third is too lazy to move around; there is also one that is lusty all the time; and so on.

But they learn to live together in our place. And when meals are served they eat peaceably from the same big bowl, unlike dogs.

Now this is what I observe about cats: they are cleaner in their personal habits than dogs.

When a cat has to defecate, it looks for a spot on the grounds, scratch a hole, deposit his feces, cover it up with soil and smell the spot; if it is not good enough, the cat add more soil, until the spot is no longer smelly.

You know what? Cats learned this habit from the Jews when they were travelling with them in the desert. Read Deuteronomy 23: 12-14:
12. Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:
13. And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:
14. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

God bless us all: Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, Baha’is, whatever.

Susma Rio Sep
okieinexile said:
I believe that my theories hold promise to help in space travel.

Heh, I can just imagine it now - a warp drive room consisting of nothing more than 3 of Schrodinger's cats, stalking about. :)
More observations about cats

You can play with cats, and play rough with them. They won't bite you because they know you are their friends -- I mean the cats you have at home. You can open their mouths and put a finger inside; the cat will pretend to bite it but softly, just to fool around with you.

Cats can be good Buddhists; they can remain quiet and still with eyes closed for long hours, like they are deeply meditating.

I throw cats in the air high and catch them coming down, but taking care to avoid being pierced by their retractable end nail-claws as they try to hang on you even by just one claw. Not to worry, if you miss a cat falling down; it will always manage to land on its feet in a springy drop without getting hurt.

The breath of a cat is terrible!

I don't see cats doing tricks in the circus. They must be either not as smart as dogs and other trainable animals; or they are too smart to fall for indentured labor in the circus, or becoming conscripted into all kinds of service like dogs.

How come people don’t tie cats to a leash. I don’t do that myself; but I don’t do it to the dogs either.

My kids told me that once in a summer camp organized by the church, a religious speaker said that cats are the emissaries of the devil. Now where did that religious nut get such an idea? But in horror movies cats figure quite often. Why?

I read that Egyptians worshipped the cat. And they also built those gigantic mounds serving no purpose whatever except to bury dead super-egos.

Susma Rio Sep

Douglas Adams had something similar with his Improbability drive. However, it is a promising notion.


Wow, you know a lot about cats. Thanks.