This is a great thread. I was deeply moved by all the testimonies; Path, Abogado and Faithful. I can actually relate with all of them. My journey is very similar to the ones you described.
I don't know exactly when it all started for me. All I can remember is that ever since I was a child I had the sense that there was something deeper and greater than met the eye. I wasn't raised religious at all. My mother was a recovering Catholic( no offence to Catholics), She had a harsh upbringing in Catholic schools; being told she was going to hell constantly and physical treatment from nuns. She vowed never to raise me in that church. My dad is almost a certified atheist, however I think deep down he does believe. To sum it up, my only exposure to church was Easter and Christmas. These were usually Prodestant or Presbyterian Churches. There was little or no talk of God in the house. But in spite of that I would speak about Him as a child.
One thing lead to another and by my teens I was completely strung out on alcohol and drugs. I took anything that was there(heavy on the LSD) and think that i was searching for a spiritual experience through that. Come to think of it I did have a spritual experience. Take enough acid and you'll see God.
The alcohol and drug use came to a halt and this is when my true walk began. I attended a 12 step program that I am still a part of today. Anyone familiar with AA knows that it is a spiritual program that involves much introspection and addressing ones inner demons with a reliance on a Higher Power. They don't stress a particular belief in this Power, only that you believe in something Greater than yourself.
Naturally I chose God. This God was not Christian. It was just God. I began to pray to this God and It changed my life. I experienced a sense of safety and euphoria that I had always looked for with the drugs and alcohol. God was real to me in a way like never before.
During this transition my mother became a Christian. She began to speak to me a about Jesus and I didn't like it. Eventually I conceded and went to church with her. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. This rang in another period of change in my life. I'm not sure if I truly accepted Jesus or if I did it as a gesture to my mother. Anyhow, the next few years were not lived very devoutly to God but I still held on to my beleifs in God and Jesus.
At some point I did feel like God was calling me to be in the church. I began to go and attend church services on a regular basis. I went on mission trips. Probably 4 in all; Haiti, Nicaragua, Honduras and Costa Rica. I became very disillusioned at these trips. The missionaries looked at the people of these countries with such pity, like we were there to save them. Most of the missionaries treated this as a vacation(me included). Believe in God and you can maybe live like us. The main purpose of the trip was to bring people to Christ and preach. It seemed so fake to me. I kept thinking, man I could have such a good time here if I wasn't with these missionaries. The number of converts would be tallied daily to report to the home church and justify more donations.
I realize many had good intentions but there was something so condescending about it. It bothered me greatly. The last staw was on a mission trip to Haiti. We passed through Port au Prince. One of the most devastatingly poor places I have ever seen. We continue through there to a missionary home( very nice I might add) before departing the next day to a more remote region of Haiti to build a church.
We were the third team and put a roof and electricity in the church before the Pastor started to use it for services. One day I was walking around this neighborhood awe struck by the beauty of the country and the people as I came across at least 3 more churches from other missionary teams from the US. Each church had its little flag; Missippi Baptist etc. I couldn't believe my eyes. Did we just build another church within on square mile after passing through the poorest city in the western hemisphere without doing anything? That did it for me.
During this time I began to discount the complete transformation I had at AA. The church was leading me to believe that just a belief in God was wrong. You have to do it like this to be saved. I belived it. I faded away from AA for fear I was being led astray by the devil. I questioned scripture that didn't sit well with me. They said, "this is how it is, everything else is false teaching" "to question is of the devil, just have faith." To myself I would think about the lives I saw restored in AA. Lives that were restored regardless of their beliefs in God. How could I have forgottenn this? How could I let someone else tell me who God is and what God is and how to perceive him. God spoke to me and millions of others, to deny this was blaspheme.
Another changing experience I had was watching a documentary on the Haj to Mecca. The presence of God at this pilgramage came through the TV set. I could feel it, almostto the point of tears. I knew all of those people were filled with the Spirit of God. People there were crying and praying, just like I saw at Christian churches. I began to search out God in a way like never before. I find God everywhere and in everything. I still revere Jesus Christ. I pray in his name alot. I don't pray to him but rather through or in the name of the spirit that filled him while he was here. I still read the Bible and enjoy it, however, I read it differently today. I allow it to speak to me however it wishes. I don't make my reading and interpretation fit into any doctrine I've learned. I love to look for the clues that are present in it that lead to greater truths and confirm them through alternate readings.
I think I am still Christian. I just don't know what kind. I'm waiting for the day that God joins us all together as one under Him. I believe we are all in for an awakening and that this awakening will include many ideas and teachings. I know Jesus Christ is a major part of this and so I hang on to him and hopefully will forever.
