Francis king
Well-Known Member
hello all...
...my brother is 29, white, and working class... he's currently living on the streets, officially homeless... he's homeless because he refused to pay rent in his last accomodation, and the landlord had to take him to court to evict him.
For the past two years he's been homeless more times than homed. He can't get into a hostel, as he works, and when he has been in hostels he gets thrown out for fighting. A few months ago he managed to get into a hostel run by catholic nuns, but they have a curfew, and because he's dependent on drink he would rather sleep rough than be forced to return to the hostel without a drink inside him.
Two weeks ago he was beaten up badly in town. His whole face was black. His nose is now broken in about three places, and he can't breathe properly, but he won't get it fixed. He was in court last month, and received a large fine of 7 grand and community service. He should have started paying the fine off weekly by now, but hasn't bothered, and last week he failed to attend his community service.
However, he's not physically dependent on drink, and can go a few days without it, and he also works 40 hours a week, so he's not your usual alkie type, begging and drinking cheap cider on the street corner.. the problems arise every friday- he goes out and spends 99% of his money on drink, and doesn't stop until the money runs out... when he's drunk, he's a pain in the ass- he gets argumentative, and occasionally violent. In the past he's beaten me up several times, he's also put my windows in when I wouldn't let him in the house drunk, and he's also broken the windows of one of my friends, and also one of my neighbours.
The reason he was in court last month? He'd been sacked from a job, and went out, got drunk, and decided to go back to the workplace, he broke in and turned all the water pipes on, flooding the place, and he put great big holes in the walls with a fire extinguisher. They caught him on CCTV.
It's got to the stage where his family and close friends will no longer help him out by putting him up, and people are starting to avoid his calls. I have a meditation hut in the garden, and last time he was homeless I put him in there, as my man won't have him in the house drunk, yet I woke up one night to smell burning, and there he was, asleep in my shed, yet on fire. He burnt himself quite badly at the time, too.
regardless...
our relationship has always been an unequal one- he's just 18 months younger than me, and I have always tried to look out for him- our dad died about 10 years ago, and ever since I've made the effort. I've fed him, bought him clothes, given him money, and generally supported him since then, but it's got to the stage now when I dread friday nights, because then the phone calls start- drunk, he phones me to argue, and call me names while letting me know how bad he feels that I am not as supportive as I have been in the past. Sometimes he threatens to kill himself.
But for me, it's a hard one. The christian in me says- keep going. Keep being supportive. Keep trying. The buddhist in me says- noone can fix him but himself. Let him get on with it. My man, my friends, everyone I speak to about it says- let him go, distance yourself from him, but... well.. I know he doesn't have anybody else. Literally. And so I've tried to be there, thinking that as long as I'm around he has some kind of anchor, some family ties, somebody who cares.
But things have changed over the past few months for me. I've changed. I have a lot of work on at the moment, and I'm mad busy. I am starting to resent him calling at my house. I hate the way me and my man spend hours talking about him. I'm sick of listening to him tell me how he's going to make the changes he needs to and then come friday he's back on the sauce. I'm sick of smelling his BO, sick of running about making phonecalls and trying to sort things out for him, especially when everytime I do he doesn't bother to attend the places which can help him. I'm sick of his lies, and sick of him trying to play me to get what he wants. I feel I have tried to do all I can for him yet... I am finding it hard to cut the ties.
Part of me says.. sheesh... I've been homeless, friendless, family-less. I've sat on top of the cliffs at Beachy Head ready to throw myself over, because I hated my life so much that death seemed like the only way out, but at the same time, I wasn't a violent drinker either. I was mentally ill. But because of my own experience, I feel bad I'm not supporting him, as I know how it feels to be sleeping rough and have no-one to turn to. I know how bad it feels to feel alone, powerless, put upon, to hate yourself, to know things need to change but be powerless to make those changes.. yet...
perhaps part of me is co-dependent? perhaps I am supportive because I derive some benefit from it? Holy roller helps homeless alcoholic? Kudos for me..?
But as well as this.. is he just an alcoholic? Yes, we all know about different types of alcoholics, and I would then put him in the binge drinking group, but maybe it's not the drink which is the problem?
You see, I have had clients like this in the past- drunk, violent, aggressive, but needy and vulnerable all at the same time, and they're usually diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder. I hate the personality disorder label- for me, behaviour is learnt, and I know where he's learnt these behaviours and ways of dealing with people, and they all come from my dad, who was also a binge drinker with a bad temper. My mum has said to me- my brother is a carbon copy of his father, and she doesn't want to know him because of that, but I know that there's more to it than that.
Or do I? Am I desperate to find a reason, a cause, to better understand him, or am I looking for a reason so I can pretend that he isn't just an asshole, like his dad? Am I looking for an excuse? I don't know...
my question then is... when is enough enough?
...my brother is 29, white, and working class... he's currently living on the streets, officially homeless... he's homeless because he refused to pay rent in his last accomodation, and the landlord had to take him to court to evict him.
For the past two years he's been homeless more times than homed. He can't get into a hostel, as he works, and when he has been in hostels he gets thrown out for fighting. A few months ago he managed to get into a hostel run by catholic nuns, but they have a curfew, and because he's dependent on drink he would rather sleep rough than be forced to return to the hostel without a drink inside him.
Two weeks ago he was beaten up badly in town. His whole face was black. His nose is now broken in about three places, and he can't breathe properly, but he won't get it fixed. He was in court last month, and received a large fine of 7 grand and community service. He should have started paying the fine off weekly by now, but hasn't bothered, and last week he failed to attend his community service.
However, he's not physically dependent on drink, and can go a few days without it, and he also works 40 hours a week, so he's not your usual alkie type, begging and drinking cheap cider on the street corner.. the problems arise every friday- he goes out and spends 99% of his money on drink, and doesn't stop until the money runs out... when he's drunk, he's a pain in the ass- he gets argumentative, and occasionally violent. In the past he's beaten me up several times, he's also put my windows in when I wouldn't let him in the house drunk, and he's also broken the windows of one of my friends, and also one of my neighbours.
The reason he was in court last month? He'd been sacked from a job, and went out, got drunk, and decided to go back to the workplace, he broke in and turned all the water pipes on, flooding the place, and he put great big holes in the walls with a fire extinguisher. They caught him on CCTV.
It's got to the stage where his family and close friends will no longer help him out by putting him up, and people are starting to avoid his calls. I have a meditation hut in the garden, and last time he was homeless I put him in there, as my man won't have him in the house drunk, yet I woke up one night to smell burning, and there he was, asleep in my shed, yet on fire. He burnt himself quite badly at the time, too.
regardless...
our relationship has always been an unequal one- he's just 18 months younger than me, and I have always tried to look out for him- our dad died about 10 years ago, and ever since I've made the effort. I've fed him, bought him clothes, given him money, and generally supported him since then, but it's got to the stage now when I dread friday nights, because then the phone calls start- drunk, he phones me to argue, and call me names while letting me know how bad he feels that I am not as supportive as I have been in the past. Sometimes he threatens to kill himself.
But for me, it's a hard one. The christian in me says- keep going. Keep being supportive. Keep trying. The buddhist in me says- noone can fix him but himself. Let him get on with it. My man, my friends, everyone I speak to about it says- let him go, distance yourself from him, but... well.. I know he doesn't have anybody else. Literally. And so I've tried to be there, thinking that as long as I'm around he has some kind of anchor, some family ties, somebody who cares.
But things have changed over the past few months for me. I've changed. I have a lot of work on at the moment, and I'm mad busy. I am starting to resent him calling at my house. I hate the way me and my man spend hours talking about him. I'm sick of listening to him tell me how he's going to make the changes he needs to and then come friday he's back on the sauce. I'm sick of smelling his BO, sick of running about making phonecalls and trying to sort things out for him, especially when everytime I do he doesn't bother to attend the places which can help him. I'm sick of his lies, and sick of him trying to play me to get what he wants. I feel I have tried to do all I can for him yet... I am finding it hard to cut the ties.
Part of me says.. sheesh... I've been homeless, friendless, family-less. I've sat on top of the cliffs at Beachy Head ready to throw myself over, because I hated my life so much that death seemed like the only way out, but at the same time, I wasn't a violent drinker either. I was mentally ill. But because of my own experience, I feel bad I'm not supporting him, as I know how it feels to be sleeping rough and have no-one to turn to. I know how bad it feels to feel alone, powerless, put upon, to hate yourself, to know things need to change but be powerless to make those changes.. yet...
perhaps part of me is co-dependent? perhaps I am supportive because I derive some benefit from it? Holy roller helps homeless alcoholic? Kudos for me..?
But as well as this.. is he just an alcoholic? Yes, we all know about different types of alcoholics, and I would then put him in the binge drinking group, but maybe it's not the drink which is the problem?
You see, I have had clients like this in the past- drunk, violent, aggressive, but needy and vulnerable all at the same time, and they're usually diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder. I hate the personality disorder label- for me, behaviour is learnt, and I know where he's learnt these behaviours and ways of dealing with people, and they all come from my dad, who was also a binge drinker with a bad temper. My mum has said to me- my brother is a carbon copy of his father, and she doesn't want to know him because of that, but I know that there's more to it than that.
Or do I? Am I desperate to find a reason, a cause, to better understand him, or am I looking for a reason so I can pretend that he isn't just an asshole, like his dad? Am I looking for an excuse? I don't know...
my question then is... when is enough enough?
