Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by alexa, Sep 18, 2004.

  1. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    Hello everybody,

    As I could see, the majority on this forum have a job, have families and it's not easy to find a few minutes to relax. For those who are still at school, it's not easy either.

    So, I propose this thread reserved only for jokes. All kind of jokes, with one condition : WE SHOULD LAUGH AT THE END, PLEASE !

    If you heard a funny joke, please share it with us !

    Here you have the first one. I really like it. :D

    The Stars :



    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

    Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow! What does it tell you?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment, and then he speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
     
  2. iBrian

    iBrian Peace, Love and Unity Admin

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    If not too risque:



    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica]A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

    (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

    She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
    "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the
    wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."



    - - - - - -
    [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]- - - - - - [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]- - - - - - [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]- - - - - - [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]- - - - - - [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]- - - - - - [/font]
    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica]

    [/font][font=verdana, arial, helvetica]A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the husband out of bed and ties him to a chair.

    While tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While the man is in bathroom, the husband tells his wife..."Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist. Don't complain. Do what he tells you. Just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which the wife responds..."He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

    [/font]
     
  3. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    That was funny, Brian ! :D

    Here you have another one :

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

    "Dear Wife,




    You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.


    Your Husband"

    When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

    "Dear Husband,

    You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

    Your wife"
     
  4. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    Oh, I have to write this one ! :D

    Jesus Is Watching :

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you".
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
    When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
    Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
    "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
    "Moses," replied the bird.
    "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
    "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered.
     
  5. granni

    granni old is....new, again.

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    ROFLMBO!! the foregoing are cute!

    here's a contribution:


    Life Explained

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

    On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy our selves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
     
  6. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    :D Ha ha ha ! That was a good one ! Thanks, granni !

    O.k. Let's see another one with God :

    What Is A Million Years?
    A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
    "God ? You there, God?" he asked
    "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
    "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
    "Go ahead, my son, anything."
    "God, what is a million years to you?"
    God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
    The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
    God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
    The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.
    "God, can I have a penny?"
    God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
     
  7. brucegdc

    brucegdc Moderator

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    Four friends - a rabbi, a priest, a minister and a wiccan priestess, were out fishing one day. As fish are wont to do, they managed to eat all the worms without getting caught. The rabbi says "I'll go get some more", jumps over the side of the boat, walks to shore on top of the water, and jumps in the car & comes back 10 minutes later with another batch of bait. The fish being fish, they soon ran out again. The priestess hops over the side, strides across the water, gets some more bait & comes back. The priest is looking rather puzzled at this point (he's new to the crew), but figures "anything they can do, I can do better", and volunteers the next time. He hops over the side of the boat, and goes straight to the bottom. The minister looks at the rabbi, and says "Think we should have told him about the rocks?". The priestess says "What rocks?".
     
  8. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
    She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
    The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
    He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.
    Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."
    "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
    The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
    The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
    The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"


    :D
     
  9. granni

    granni old is....new, again.

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    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] LMBO!!.... thanks alexa, that was cute![/font][/font]

    here's some more:
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]Children in Church[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers
    passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, theyoungster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for meDaddy, I'm under five."
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
    his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
    "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that? "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
    sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
    favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."[/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full![/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]

    [/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif] [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
    bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
    ago."
    [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." [/font]
    [font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif][/font][font=Arial,Helvetica,Sans Serif]Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"[/font]
    [/font]
    [/font]
     
  10. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    :D :D :D Thanks granni !

    And as you brought up the sermon's part, here you have another one :
    Sermon Sleep :
    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"
    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
    "God !" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
    "Amen," replied the congregation.
     
  11. Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

    Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine Junior Moderator, Intro Moderator

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    This was originally posted on another board I belong to, but, since there are so many people here that are owned by felines, I thought I'd post it here. :)

    Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
    *********************************************************************************************************

    HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL...

    1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty" Drop pill into its mouth.

    2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

    3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

    4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.

    5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well

    6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

    7 Have a good cry. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and OOOOPS!

    9 This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos

    10 Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread town on floor.

    11 Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

    12 Spread cat on towel near one end with it's head over long edge.

    13 Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.

    14 Roll cat in towel. Work fast' time and tabies wait for no one.

    15 Resume position 1 Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press it's mouth at the jow hinges like opening petals of snapdragon.

    16 Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Viola! It's done.

    17 Vacuum up loose fur (cat's) Apply bandages towounds (yours)

    18 Take two asprins and lie down

    19 Wait two weeks. Remove regurgitated pill from under sofa

    Jannalee
     
  12. PersonaNonGrata

    PersonaNonGrata CODinside

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    HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?


    > >ONE
    > >Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
    > >have an order of 6, 9 or12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
    > >nuggets.
    > >"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
    > >"You don't?" I replied.
    > >"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
    > >"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
    > >"That's right."
    > >So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
    > >
    > >TWO
    > >The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple
    > >of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
    > >items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
    > >I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register
    > >and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
    > >After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"
    > >looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
    > >the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"I said to
    > >her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said
    > >"OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
    > >She had no clue as to what had just happened.
    > >
    > >THREE
    > >A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
    > >pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
    > >she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
    > >credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
    > >
    > >FOUR
    > >I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
    > >"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
    > >replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
    > >my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
    > >would have a battery to fit this?"
    > >"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just
    > >this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
    > >As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
    > >don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
    > >walk."
    > >
    > >FIVE
    > >Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
    > >was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
    > >paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
    > >told her.
    > >With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
    > >it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
    > >
    > >SIX
    > >I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
    > >towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
    > >repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."
    > >I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
    > >set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
    > >
    > >SEVEN
    > >My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
    > >a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
    > >with their computers.
    > >One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had
    > >this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
    > >you guys have a fire downtown?"
    > >
    > >EIGHT
    > >Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
    > >metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
    > >machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
    > >pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
    > >telling the truth.
    > >Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


    "Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid"
     
  13. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    Halloween aproaches very fast, at least in our shopping center ! So here you have some Halloween jokes to have fun with. I just got them, too.

    Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
    What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck.
    Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.

    Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.

    What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite...

    How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...


    What is a vampire’s least favourite food? Steak.
    What do they teach in witching school? Spelling.
    How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker!


    Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they don't have any body to go out with...
    What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
    A cereal killer...

    What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...


    Why was there no food left after the monster's party? Because everybody was a-goblin!
    Why was the little ghost crying? Because he had a BOO-BOO!
    What's a Vampire's favourite fruit? NECKtarine!

    What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A Hoblin Goblin!
    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    He didn't have the guts!

    Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift? Because he is too hard to unwrap!

    What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid!!!

    What is a Mummy's favourite type of music? Wrap!!!!!
    What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
    What is a ghost’s favourite kind of streets? Dead ends.

    What happens when two vampires meet? It is love at first bite!

    What do you call little monsters parents? Mummy and Deady.

    What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? Sour-puss.

    What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.


    What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?

    They suck! :D
     
  14. iBrian

    iBrian Peace, Love and Unity Admin

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    Awful! :D
     
  15. ISFP

    ISFP Well-Known Member

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    a woman holding her baby son clambers onto a bus and drops her token into the driver's hand. as she does so, the driver stares at the baby and remarks "god lady, that's the ugliest lookin' kid i've ever seen...what'd ya do, bang a horse?"

    the woman, shocked and angry, sits down with her baby and complains to the man next to her "did you hear what that horrible driver did? he called my son ugly! the nerve..."

    her neighbor responds "that jerk! why not go give him a peice of your mind? here...i'll hold your monkey for you."
     
  16. aquaris

    aquaris Well-Known Member

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    This is true one......and actually happened....


    One of my colleage is working is some semi-government department....

    His Boss..... who it seems was made a Boss for some other consideration

    asked the manager to arrange for a cloth.... so that he could...wrap his

    PC in it..

    when the manager asked why would he like to wrap his PC in a cloth...

    the Boss said... " don't you know about the these viruses.... I want to protect my

    PC from them ....don't you know there are every where......"


    Now that is some reply......


    Hope you will enjoy this....
     
  17. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    :D This one beats up my blondie one !

    Thanks Aquaris and welcome to CR !
     
  18. aquaris

    aquaris Well-Known Member

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    Thanks alexa .....


    here is another One....


    A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
    They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
    if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
    The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,
    so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
    The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
    So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
    sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
    Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
    sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
    So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
    "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
    So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
    dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
    God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
     
  19. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    :D :D :D Oh, these kids are wonderful ! I wonder why should we grow up one day !
     
  20. alexa

    alexa somewhere in time

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    Brian,

    This one is a special for you ! I hope you'll like it ! ;)

    The next time you are complaining about something take a moment to realize just how much easier life is now compared to how it used to be. Here are some historical facts about the 1500's:
    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell again so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
    Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
    Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."



    Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm so all the dogs and cats and other small creatures (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained the straw became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
    Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

    There was nothing to keep things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "Dirt Poor".

    The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when they opened the door the straw would start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed across the entranceway. Hence the term "Thresh Hold".

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle which was always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat that stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and start over again the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it which had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
    porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old
    ".

    Sometimes they could obtain pork which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show it off. It was a sign of wealth if a man could "bring home the bacon." Then they would cut off a little to share with the guests and all would sit around and "chew the fat."

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leech into the food causing lead poisoning and even death. This happened most often with tomatoes so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top or "upper crust".

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock fellows out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days andthe family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up.
    Hence the custom of "holding a wake".

    England was old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string to the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (The Graveyard Shift) to listen for the bell: thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or be considered a "dead ringer".

    And that's the truth! Whoever said that history was boring??



     

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