Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

[aquaris]

Hmmmmmm....
very interesting......and informative... thanks....

Ok here is another one.... a cute one...

Kids you know...!

Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."
Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

 

[alexa]

I like that : "You can break love, but it won't die."

 

[aquaris]

With Opologies for any one Polish

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him " very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity, stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is.....yes."
LAWYER: No......, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

This was originally posted here, but I thought a few of you might enjoy: http://www.teemings.com/extras/truelife/scylla6.html



The Horror of Blimps

by Scylla

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead.

***********************************************************

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[alexa]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

I e-mailed the joke to a Polish friend (and a Canadian and a collegue). He likes it.

Usually he's the one who makes me laugh. When I want to tease him, I tell him he should be a comedian and not an inspector into a pharmaceutical company.

 

[alexa]

Work Smarter, Not Harder

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"
"No, thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. Rest in the shade."
Again the young man protested. "Oh, no, sir. My father would be real mad!"
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him; I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
The young farmer replied, "He's right there under that pile of hay!"

 

[aquaris]

Attending a wedding for the first time...a girl whispered to her mother " why is the bride dressed in white .?"
" because white is the color of happiness and its the happiest day of her life " replied the mother...

Little girl then a long hard look at the groom....and asked

" So why is the groom wearing black ...? "

 

[alexa]

Because his last happiest day was the day before.

 

[aquaris]

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........




Ha ha ha ha ha.... Well said.... alexa....

 

[alexa]

Dear Diary,

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole 'Venus and Mars' thing. I've also never figured out why men think with their head while women think with their heart. And I've yet to figure out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me".

I said: "WHAT??????"



So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking: "What was her first clue?". I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then we go to the jewellery dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you........ she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok.

She was so excited by all of this when she finally said: "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out: "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face......it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Originally posted by Alexa
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

That soon? When I read the joke, I thought the guy was going to have sex again about the same time that bb would willingly pass up chips (what we in the US call fries) for chitlins.

For those who are curious, chitlins are pig small intestines, considered a delicacy amoung some of the Southern, Cajun and African-American population of the US.

Changing the subject here (much to everybody's delight), I have to tell you about a phone call I got Monday (sorry, this is somewhat political in nature, but rather humerous.)

As everybody knows, this year is a Presidential Election year here in the US and many people have gotten rather sick and tired of "Vote for (insert name of candidate)." I was waiting for a rather important telephone call, but after about six calls from "This is (insert name) PAC [short for Political Action Committee] and this is why we feel you should vote for Bush/Kerry/Nader." The next phone call from a PAC that I answered went roughly this way:

"Hello. I am representing the Young Democrats at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Are you registered to vote?"

"Yes I am. I registered back when Reagan was in office, his first term. Excuse me, but I'm waiting for an important call."

"I won't take up much of your time. If the election were held tomorrow, would you vote for Bush, Kerry or Nader?"

"None of the above. I'm a registered Communist," then I hung up the phone.

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu. I mean, why vote for the lesser of two evils? (quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a car at school.)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[alexa]

That soon? When I read the joke, I thought the guy was going to have sex again about the same time that bb would willingly pass up chips (what we in the US call fries) for chitlins.

Yeap.You are right. Only 4 years left. Only for this declaration "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man", he should receive a life sentence punishment.

"None of the above. I'm a registered Communist," then I hung up the phone.

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu. I mean, why vote for the lesser of two evils? (quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a car at school.)

I received this week at work about the voting machine in Florida. I'm so sorry, but the type file cannot be unloaded here. Maybe you have seen it, so I'll try to say why it was so funny and why everybody who received the e-mail after began to laugh louder. The cubicules in the office are not so big and private as we wish for.

So there is this guy who wants to use the voting machine. He has two choices : Bush and Kerry. After a moment of hesitation, he chooses to vote for Kerry. But the machine doesn't want to accept the answer. In exchange of a confirmation he got a question ? "Are you sure ? Yes or no ?" "Yes, I'm sure ! Another question follows, so the guy answers again that he's sure. Then he try to cheat that stupid machine and vote for Kerry. He chases the name on the screen and finally he got thanks for voting Bush. And the guy yell : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !

 

[aquaris]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse
owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC that stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and
Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.
There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the ex-pressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell that rings every time

a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards, The Schoolmaster.

 

[aquaris]

women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over
night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them
confirm that.

men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the
wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still
with them.

 

[alexa]

!

The Origin Of Women

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to takecare of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed".

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg." To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

 

[aquaris]

Just off the cuff.....some thoughts about it ...
Women is made from the rib of a Man...
A rib is a curved Bone.....If you try to straighten it up it will break....
Same is the case with women...
Now if you keep it as it is.... it will not only ... enhance your good looks,and symetry to your body ...but will also provide protection , especially to your heart......
Same is the case with women...

 

[iBrian]

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu.

LOL!!!

Vote Cthulhu!

 

[KnightoftheRose]

Vote Cthulhu!

Y'know, I would, but I just don't like his running mate, Nyarlothotep...I mean, sure, he's a glittering, multi-colored mass stretched out across the Cosmos - but I feel he just doesn't have substance...

 

[alexa]

Hi Brian,

Hi KnightoftheRose,

WARNING ! You are presently in the Departement Joke.

Both of you owe me a joke and it has to be a good one. So, please scrach your memory and give me something to laugh about !

Your host,

Alexa

 

[aquaris]

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the
secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.


Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.


So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:


K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)


Now, do a few simple substitutions:


Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)


Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:


K = W/M (5).


Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:


Knowledge equals Work over Money.


What this MEANS is that:


1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.


Solving for Money, we get:


M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.


From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work
done.


What THIS MEANS is:


The More you Make, the Less you Know.


Solving for Work, we get


W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge


From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.


What THIS MEANS is:


The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.



Hope you all will enjoy this..