Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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I got this off of another list/forum I belong to (the members of the other forum are mostly pagan, but we all need this [heck, we all use computers...]) I hope I don't offend any of the Christian, Muslim or Jewish members by this joke. :) *opens up the virtual cattery and starts handing out peace offerings to the non-pagan members*

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
__________________________________________________________________
Blank Ritual for the Great God Spammenot and the Goddess Delete*
*pronounced 'Del - ee - tay

Altar Setup -- Computer, keyboard, and mouse in center of altar, if
you wish
to put out candles and incense that is well and good, but it is
probably
better to forgo the salt and water for reasons that SHOULD be obvious.
Connect to your ISP and open your mailbox.

The Ritual

I. Cast your circle.

If you have a cordless mouse you may use this to cast, otherwise you
are
better off using your usual tools.

II. Invocations of the elements

East -- O creatures of Air, you who bring "me too" posts, thoughts and
ideas
of the world into my inbox, be with me this night as I honor the Divine
Couple Spammenot & Delete.

South -- O creatures of Fire, you who bring the love letters, promises
of
organ enlargement, and flames of the e-list to my inbox, be with me
this
night as I honor the Divine Couple Spammenot & Delete.

West -- O creatures of Water, you who bring guilt-trips, chain
letters, and
outpourings of joy to my inbox, be with me this night as I honor the
Divine
Couple Spammenot & Delete.

North -- O creatures of Earth, you who bring technical support posts,
product updates, and the minions of spam to my inbox, be with me
tonight as
I honor the Divine Couple Spammenot & Delete.

III. Invoking the God and Goddess.

Great God Spammenot
Protector of the inbox
Filterer of pyramid schemes and sex sites
Guardian against pharmaceutical companies
Soldier against the forces of bulk email marketing
Be with me this night as I read my mail
Let not the evil forces of greed and corruption make it past your
filters
I invoke your name
Spammenot, Spammenot, Spammenot (hit the report spam key repeatedly)

Great Goddess Delete
The last barrier between unwanted mail and me
Render of me too posts
Shredder of the dreaded chain email letters
Destroyer of all I do not wish to bring into my life
Be with me this night as I read my mail
Take ye all of the posts which have escaped your consort's power
I invoke your name
Delete, Delete, Delete (continue hitting delete button until you feel
the
goddess' power.)

IV. Cakes and Mail

Read your email in peace and joy. And delete the cookies in your
temporary
files for good measure.

V. Thank the God and Goddess

Great Goddess Delete
I thank you for your awesome power
Gone are the days when I waded endlessly through mails.
Praised be your name. Go now in peace until I read again. Hail and
Farewell.

Great God Spammenot
You grow in power daily
Deliver me always from the dark forces of Spam
I give you honor and reverence. Stay with me always until I read
again. I
bid thee thanks.

VI. Dismissal of the Quarters

North -- O creatures of the Earth, I thank you for your presence this
night.
Go if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the information
from
technical support. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

West -- O creatures of Water, I thank you for your presence this
night. Go
if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the joyful news I have
received. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

South -- O creatures of Fire, I thank you for your presence this
night. Go
if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the love letters. I
bid you
Hail and farewell.

East -- O creatures of Air, I thank you for your presence this night.
Go if
you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the information and
ideas of
others. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

VII. Open the Circle

The circle is opened and never broken. So mote it be!

__________________________________________________________________
 

alexa

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aquaris said:
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
I understand now, why I hated so much maths at school ! :D

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine said:
The circle is opened and never broken. So mote it be!
SUPER ! My computer is presently protected by the spell ! :D

Oh, one more thing Great Spammenot. Please forget the part about the pharmaceutical companies, as I still need them to pay my bills.:p
 

aquaris

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First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white
sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it
in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention."
 

aquaris

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Why men lie ??

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, God appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. Then God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

God went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied," Yes."

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, God again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"

"Oh God, my wife has fallen into the water!"
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

God was furious.
"You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied,

"Oh, forgive me God. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But God, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so *that's* why I said 'yes'
 

aquaris

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4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital

waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:

"Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy,

"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".



Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:

"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy.

"I am working for 3M Corporation".



A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:

"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence".

"I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".



Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".

He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"
 

BluejayWay

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Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are
still two of you in the way.


The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.


My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using bathrooms for years --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.


The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough.


To pacify you I have posted the following message
on our front door... Rules for Non- Pet Owners Who
Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Please remember - Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the results.


 

alexa

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Oh, I like pets ! Funny joke, Jay. Thanks.:)
 

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aquaris

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alexa said:
Oh, I like pets ! Funny joke, Jay. Thanks.:)
.....I would have prefered the titile.....now where are My Maps and Notes

I had to post for Miss Alexa.....!!! at CR....

anyway....some more...

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!


Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the
hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

CharlotteWhitton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

-Catherine-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they
called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want
anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Great Quotes by Great Ladies!


Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the
hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

CharlotteWhitton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

-Catherine-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they
called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want
anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
 

alexa

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aquaris said:
.....I would have prefered the titile.....now where are My Maps and Notes

I had to post for Miss Alexa.....!!! at CR....

anyway....some more...

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!
Sorry, aquaris. I didn't forget you, but I was to tired last night to read all the jokes. I loved that one with man's lies.

Where did you get all these quotes ? They are interesting.:)
 

aquaris

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...... that title was for the cute cat in the picture.......she definately looked tired......LOL.

my collections are scattered all over the net in various forums.......

Beside just google " aquaris " and I am sure..... My name should come within the top 10 queries..... ( the last time it was third )....


By the way thanks for appreciating....
 

alexa

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:D I did a search on the net and lookie what I found. Is this yours ?

~DECARATION~....by Aquaris
Category:(Poetry) Created:(6/25/2001 8:09:00 AM) Viewed (143 times)
The day you looked right through me
and justified your stance
Casting off my freat gift
Without a second glance
Was the day I felt my folly
Come and slap me in the face
How can you be so shallow
And cause me such disgrace

Often growth spurts through hazards
And trials we pass or fail
You tried to leave me bleeding
I know I'm not that frail
The greatest loss is yours now
Refusing all I gave
Don't expect to continue
I'm also not that brave.

Aquaris




Sorry, my cat picture has no name. It's only a funny one. ;)
 

alexa

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Oups. The ink is white in here. O.K. I'll type it :

The day you looked right through me
and justified your stance
Casting off my freat gift
Without a second glance
Was the day I felt my folly
Come and slap me in the face
How can you be so shallow
And cause me such disgrace

Often growth spurts through hazards
And trials to leave me bleeding
I know I'm not that frail
The greatest loss is yours now
Refusing all I gave
Don't expect to continue
I'm also not that brave.

Aquaris
 

aquaris

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its pretty good.....But not mine......

some of my poetry is at ....

www.triedit.com then their poetry link.....
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/alone.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/dreamsillusions.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/burning.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/monster.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/coldfurnace.html

pretty amatuerish .......

some title if i remember are alone, something....and a couple of others...

.....and I thought it will take you to my question answer sites like www.allexperts.com or www.pointask.com or www.answerway.com or even www.expert-exchange.com though I am not that active these days.....
 

alexa

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:confused: This means you have a double on the net with the same signature. And yes, I got to the other sites, too.:)
 

aquaris

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boy mommy why is this lady so fat?
mommy she is not fat dear she is pregnat with her baby
boy ? pregnant ? whats that?
mommy she will have a baby soon but now its in her stomach until its ready to come out
boy *silence* mommy you love me ?
mommy yes dear i love you very much*smile*
boy mommy does that lady loves her baby?
mommy of course she does she really loves her baby...
boy *frown* mommy that lady loves her baby how come she ate him?
 

alexa

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My Boss

When I take a long time...
- I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough.
When I don't do it...
- I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it
- he is too busy.

When I do something without being told...
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative.
When I take a stand...
- I am stubborn
When my boss does it
- he is being firm.When I overlook a rule of etiquette...
- I am rude
When my boss slips a few rules
- he is being original.
When I please my boss...
- I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss
- he is co-operating.
When I get ahead...
- I am lucky
When my boss gets ahead

- that's hard work.:mad:
 

BluejayWay

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LOL, Alexa, does that sound familiar!
This sounds all too familiar, too:


HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
* Wine her
* Dine her
* Call her
* Hug her
* Support her
* Hold her
* Surprise her
* Compliment her
* Smile at her
* Listen to her
* Laugh with her
* Cry with her
* Romance her
* Encourage her
* Believe in her
* Pray with her
* Pray for her
* Cuddle with her
* Shop with her
* Give her jewelry
* Buy her flowers
* Hold her hand
* Write love letters to her
* Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO PLEASE A MAN

* Show up naked...Bring food
 

aquaris

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A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman
gives birth to a kid.

A Student stands up- Sir we must find & stop her!.
 
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