My epic failure

H

Hermes

Guest
When I started my baby steps in my magical studies I was a novice. All my life I was super sensitive and almost could read your mind. I could at least in-tune your mood and feelings. I now have recognized that many times I know something is about to happen, and it happens in a few seconds later.
Later, I broke off with my spiritual teacher and decided to study Hermetic philosophy and naturally followed, magic. I have studied the best, Bardonian (Franz Bardon) system and his disciples Rawn Clark, etc. It was a great eye opener to me and lead me to assume some false assumptions. I could not do any magic but many times I perceived something was about to happen and that lead me to believe my own inflated powers.
During the time I discovered that I could be reincarnated as Austin Osman Spare, the English artist and occultist.
Later I had some "episodes", Then , imagine my horror, I was diagnosed as bipolar! ****(!), that almost finished my whole adventure into spirituality. To think I was reincarnated from a magical genius and artist but handicapped to continue any magical pursuit on my own was too much for me. (I still need a therapist about this)... I was now afraid of being spiritual because, now it equated to me delusional thinking and inflated ego, both tell-tales of bipolar mania. I cannot do magic, obviously I am handicapped by being bipolar but that does not mean I am not spiritual. I am a firm, (if not ardent believer) of Karma/Reincarnation and the existence and importance of the unseen. Borderline Buddhist/Hindu with accepting and honoring all faiths, including Islam. My former teacher used to say, do not get too wrapped up about phenomena and now I see how right he was! It is good if you have abilities but it does not mean you are any better than the next person, and often it is all in your head. (no offense)

There is a link between super sensitivity/spirituality and bipolar and /schizophrenia in the context of hearing voices/seeing things and elevated importance(delusional thinking) or being persecuted. Past life memories or acknowledgment is not specifically mental illness clue unless it accompanies much of the above (feeling persecuted, elevated importance, hearing voices and seeing things such as aura etc).

I am bipolar II and I indeed had some delusional experiences when I "found out" who I was. I will not specifically get into details but I will say my delusional thinking was rather oblique and mild compared to some. This however does not invalidate the realness and factual nature of reincarnation and the existence of some mental illness among its midst.

I think what is "real" and not is often determined by idiots and charlatans. I dislike the word mental illness even as I have to accept that is unfortunately all too real. I am not taking any meds. now (only occasional sleeping pills) and I am often ostracized and criticized for this by my peers who are brainwashed by the medical establishment doing the bidding of big pharma. Having said this I know from going to a support group that some of us need the meds. just to survive and function daily.
So the bottom line, the theme of this post - in order to practice full fledged "high" magic the only handicap is mental. You can be a powerful sorcerer with physical disability but a mental kind if more unforgiving. Of course you can be positive and attract good.
 
Hi Hermes, and welcome to the forum. You said,

"All my life I was super sensitive and almost could read your mind. I could at least in-tune your mood and feelings. I now have recognized that many times I know something is about to happen, and it happens in a few seconds later."
　
--> It definitely sounds like you have the beginnings of psychic ability.
　
"When I started my baby steps in my magical studies I was a novice."

--> I would not say that being psychic is an example of being a magician. I have known several great psychics and they were not magicians.
　
"…that almost finished my whole adventure into spirituality."
　
--> Being bipolar does not automatically stop you from being spiritual or from increasing your level of spirituality. (But delusional thinking can be mistaken for a high spiritual level.)
　
"I still need a therapist about this…"
　
--> A therapist will tell you this: There is no automatic connection between being spiritual and being bipolar. A person can be one or the other, or both.
　
"I was now afraid of being spiritual…"
　
--> Being spiritual does not necessarily equate with delusional thinking. Quite the opposite is possible.
　
"…because, now it equated to me delusional thinking and inflated ego, both tell-tales of bipolar mania"
　
--> I had never thought of having an inflated ego as a symptom of bipolar mania, but it makes sense to me.
　
"…obviously I am handicapped by being bipolar but that does not mean I am not spiritual."
　
--> Being bipolar may handicap you from being a magician but it does not handicap you from being spiritual. (But being bipolar will definitely making it more difficult for you to raise your level of spirituality.)

"It is good if you have abilities but it does not mean you are any better than the next person…"
　
--> True. Being spiritual, even psychic, does not justify having a huge ego.
　
"There is a link between super sensitivity/spirituality and bipolar and /schizophrenia in the context of hearing voices/seeing things and elevated importance(delusional thinking) or being persecuted."
　
--> Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Being spiritual makes a person more sensitive. Being bipolar makes a person more susceptible to inner emotional pain. The more bipolar a person is, the more difficult it becomes for them to make spiritual progress in this life.

"Past life memories or acknowledgment is not specifically mental illness clue unless it accompanies much of the above (feeling persecuted, elevated importance, hearing voices and seeing things such as aura etc)."

--> I do not think past life memories indicate mental illness, unless the past life memories are only delusions. (But past life memories can be very real, and anyone who says all past life memories are delusions is full of hooey.)

"I am bipolar II and I indeed had some delusional experiences when I "found out" who I was. I will not specifically get into details but I will say my delusional thinking was rather oblique and mild compared to some. This however does not invalidate the realness and factual nature of reincarnation and the existence of some mental illness among its midst."

--> I agree. There is no automatic connection (or automatic non-connection) between ideas of reincarnation and mental illness.
　
"I am often ostracized and criticized for this by my peers who are brainwashed by the medical establishment doing the bidding of big pharma"
　
--> A true friend would never try to pressure you into taking drugs.
　
"Having said this I know from going to a support group that some of us need the meds. just to survive and function daily."
　
--> I’m glad you are lucky enough to be able to function without drugs. Consider yourself fortunate.
　
"…in order to practice full fledged "high" magic the only handicap is mental."
　
--> I hope that you can learn to not rely on magic to solve your problems in life, but that you can learn better people skills to solve your problems in life. Perhaps you are now being denied 'magic powers' because someone now is forcing you to learn how to live without them...? Good karma can take hard-to-understand forms.

"…Austin Osman Spare, the English artist and occultist."

--> You can be a great occultist without being a magician. I do not think magic will solve your problems. I think only 'mentally healthy living' will solve your problems.

"I dislike the word mental illness"

--> There is an area between sane and insane. It is having a lot of emotional unhappiness, emotional pain, anxiety, depression, compulsive behavior, etc. You are in this middle area. You do not sound insane to me.

　

 
Nick,

I just wanted to add that even meditation is (was) hard for me. I could not settle my mind sometimes to do it right. While I was with my teacher we did group meditation and that worked better, I guess because of the group effect.
Anyway, thanks for your kind words and feedback.

Cheers.
 
Thank you for sharing something so personal. As a spiritual rock, I get to intellectually peak into something I can't...feel?
 
Sure thing. I did this mainly because heavy spirituality and occult and madness go hand in hand. I am just glad that it did not push me over the edge. I did read somewhere in a Franz Bardon essay that no physical handicap would ever hinder the aspirant but the mental one, most certainly will. There are only a handful people in the world who could finish all the three Bardon books, in order and can tell the tale - most will give up! I do not think the "Law of Attraction" is true magic although many people consider that part of it.
Apparently, Hitler was bipolar on drugs (a very bad combo)
A Cup Of Tea said:
Thank you for sharing something so personal. As a spiritual rock, I get to intellectually peak into something I can't...feel?
Click to expand...
 
What kinds of meditation have you practiced till now? Bardon's book is good, but needs extreme dicipline, which is difficult to accomplish
 
Hermes said:
I cannot do magic, obviously I am handicapped by being bipolar but that does not mean I am not spiritual.
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You are not spiritually handicapped. Personally, as for 'magic', I think that's the path of those who cannot overcome their own ego enough to do the whole spiritual thing. Being a magician is not a measure of spirituality. And magic is usually about effecting one's will in the here-and-now, no matter how much it's dressed up in altruistic ideals ... or not.

Most magicians seem to work away at their own unconscious – trying to open Pandora's Box – seeking the 'power within'. Again, this is self- or -psychic-power, not 'spirituality' as understood by the Great Traditions.

And please, all I would ask is you look at the place and times that produced the likes of Crowley and Spare. With the latter I have sympathy, but with Crowley, none ... suffice to say take away the women, and he is nothing.

Hermes said:
My former teacher used to say, do not get too wrapped up about phenomena and now I see how right he was!
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That's a touchpoint in all authentic spiritual traditions.

There are strong indications to suggest that 'phenomena' and 'experiences' are in fact the by-product or side-effects of a process – they are not the process, nor are they the point – they are a distraction.

The problem is in a self-oriented ego-culture 'I want', and in a consumer culture 'experience' is what it's all about – the west is all about instant gratification, and if one things that the pursuit of magic is immune to that, I would suggest one looks harder at the history.

Hermes said:
It is good if you have abilities but it does not mean you are any better than the next person, and often it is all in your head.
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Quite. Maybe the next person is actually able to process the same and more, without the side-effects.

Hermes said:
There is a link between super sensitivity/spirituality and bipolar and /schizophrenia ...
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Yes.

Hermes said:
... in order to practice full fledged "high" magic the only handicap is mental. You can be a powerful sorcerer with physical disability but a mental kind if more unforgiving. Of course you can be positive and attract good.
Click to expand...
I would only emphasise the distinct between the spiritual and the magical.
 
Thank you for the recent responses. I have pretty much given up on my magical pursuit since we have watched all the Harry Potter movies as my daughter was growing up. (She still regresses to some DVD's as she is 14 now.)
As for my bipolar diagnosis, I refused medication (except sleep aid) and finally managed to quit alcohol and caffeine altogether, while cutting back on sugar.
I have visited a very good acupuncturist and he told me that sometimes (quite often) manic (sleepless) periods are caused by caffeine and alcohol (or the combination of both) - he also pointed out that I was suffering a "leaky gut" symptom where my chronic intestinal problems affected my brain chemistry. I am now taking probiotic ($40 for 60 pills)
He suggested a very strict diet which of course I have failed to follow. Look up (google) the gut<->brain connection. Lots of studies and research on that. I wonder how much of the psychiatric problems are caused by this, while western doctors are completely ignorant or oblivious to this?

All in all, magic is self-serving, a power(ego) trip. Health is more important then this kind of a power.
If you wish to stay healthy - stay away from the hospitals.... :)
 
Well, friendly advice, do take bipolar drugs (If the problem is still there), they work.
Get some help from traditional medicine, Unani, Ayurveda, TCM etc. You can search for tamasic, rajasic, and sattavic food on the net, it helps a lot.
Meditation is very important, for self help, bipolar and ofcourse magic.
I have practiced Dzogchen and Jhana styled meditation. They help in every aspect of your life. Specially Dzogchen.
The biggest achievment through meditation is finding yourself. And at a decent level of absorption, magic just happens (according to buddhist scriptures, at 4th jhana).
 
farhan, thanks for the advice on meditation! I will look into those.
Most if not all psychotropic drugs have severe side effects. Causing diabetes, heart problems, wight gain and more. Worse, doctors prescribe them willy-nilly, even for bipolar II (which, undoubtedly you know is the mild version of depression/mania. The drugs are just plain scary, if they work. They of course work for some and don't for others. I know I have been there. It typically take 2-years for a person to figure out what concoction of drugs will work (of course they never take just one!). I rather just take the needle from my acupuncturist. :) I am feeling good and sleeping good, I will take nothing unless I must. I have noticed that if I fall off the wagon, I soon have episodes. So I must be strong, which is hard when I go home (Hungary) where everyone drinks like fish....
farhan said:
Well, friendly advice, do take bipolar drugs (If the problem is still there), they work.
Get some help from traditional medicine, Unani, Ayurveda, TCM etc. You can search for tamasic, rajasic, and sattavic food on the net, it helps a lot.
Meditation is very important, for self help, bipolar and ofcourse magic.
I have practiced Dzogchen and Jhana styled meditation. They help in every aspect of your life. Specially Dzogchen.
The biggest achievment through meditation is finding yourself. And at a decent level of absorption, magic just happens (according to buddhist scriptures, at 4th jhana).
Click to expand...
 
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