Gentle Religious Humor

Discussion in 'Abrahamic Religions' started by Quahom1, Jan 23, 2005.

  1. Cerealkiller

    Cerealkiller Just this guy, y'know?

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    A young couple are on their way to their wedding when the train they are riding in derails killing everyone on board. They arrive heaven with most of their wedding party. As they stand at the gates they look longingly at each other and regret their inability to be married prior to their death. As they approach the gates the man has an idea. "Peter," he says "my fiance and I were on our way to be married when our train crashed, is there anyway we can be married now that we are in heaven?"
    "Of course my child." Peter responds "What sort of service do you want?"

    (here you would insert any religion you feel the urge to make fun of, for purposes of the joke we'll go with Druids)

    "Well it might take a while to find a Druid priest, but we will look," Peter promises and flies away.

    Weeks merge into months and the group waits and waits. While they wait the bride and groom discuss marriage in heaven. "You know," the wife says "eternity is an awful long time. I wonder if you can get divorced in heave."

    A few more days pass and Peter returns with an aged man in a long robe at his side.
    "Here we are folks, a genuine Druid priest. Lets get on with the ceremony."

    "Before we get married Peter I had a question. Is it possible to get a divorce in heaven?"

    "It took me 6 months to find a priest for you people! Now you want me to find lawyers!?"
     
  2. Quahom1

    Quahom1 What was the question?

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    Gonna send that one to my dad...:D


    v/r

    Q
     
  3. InLove

    InLove at peace

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    LOL, Cerealkiller! (by the way, I apologize for misspeeeeling your name on another thread.

    And, Quahom--I sent your last one out to all my friends, so it shouldn't take too long for it to make the rounds--people should be sending it to your regular email addy within the month:) .

    InPeace,
    InLove
     
  4. Vajradhara

    Vajradhara One of Many

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    THAT is FUNNY!!!!
     
  5. dayaa

    dayaa New Member

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    when i was a young boy i used to pray for a bicycle.
    then i realised God doesn't work like that......so i stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness:(

    i specially liked the kiddies mistakes near the beginning of the thread....it had me in tears. some other good ones too.
     
  6. Bandit

    Bandit New Member

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    my very first bike was stolen. metalic blue with a bannana seat. someone stole it from me after only having it one week.
    was that you? (teasing)

    any way, i blamed & cursed God & told Him to die, unless He gave me another bike. i asked for frogiveness too & all of that only at the age of seven.
     
  7. dayaa

    dayaa New Member

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    hi bandit
    no, it wasn't me who stole your bike, although i did steal a few bits and pieces as a child:mad:. as i remember it was more like biscuits from a shop and stuff like that. but i'll buy you a new bike if you like (although i expect i'm a bit late:p ). that's just so mean stealing a child's bike. i hate anything that dissapoints kids.
    i feel sad now.:(
     
  8. Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

    Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine Junior Moderator, Intro Staff Member

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    Another from Turok's Cabana (you can find the entire list at www.turoks.net/Cabana [it does have some rather "adult" humor, too, so be careful if you visit].)


    Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
    *********************************************************

    The Chocolate Ritual

    Based on the original © 1993 by John Shepard
    as performed at Dragonfest in August, 1993
    Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great big one, as the athame), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

    CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE

    HPS:
    (take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

    Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will so mote it be!

    Nestle's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolatey!

    CAST THE CIRCLE

    HP:
    (using a tootsie roll)

    CALL THE QUARTERS

    HP:
    Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! Great prince of the palace of dessert! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers approaching from the East.

    Fondue of the South , Molten one! Great prince of the palace decadence! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets approaching from the South.

    Cocoa of the West , Satisfying one! Great prince of the palace of thirst! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob approaching from the West.

    Rocky Road of the North , Cold one! Great prince of the palace of crunchy! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.

    MAIN RITUAL

    HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
    Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

    HPS:
    Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence. For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

    SWISS MISS:
    Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

    I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.... and again... and again.... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it" For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be.

    SWISS MISS:
    Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names:

    HP:
    I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a conoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of you hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.

    May the great wings of Inanna enfold you, may the wisdom of Hecate guide you and above all, may the curiosity of Persephone always keep you fresh, young at heart and mentally alive.

    SWISS MISS:
    Xocolatl, Dark Lord, Sweet Lord, Lord of the truffle and of the snickered bar. He to whom we call in the hour of our greatest need. He who makes us happy when we are down. He who fills our souls with all that is delicious. He to whom we chant ...

    ALL:
    We all come from the cocoa bean, and to him we shall return, Like a drip of hot fudge, running down our shirtfront...

    CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO

    Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

    HP:
    Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

    HPS:
    Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

    HP:
    For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"

    HPS:
    And neither one is carob

    HP:
    As the frosting is to the cupcake

    HPS:
    So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

    HPS & HP:
    And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

    Blessing of the Cupcakes

    HP:
    Frosting is keen

    HPS:
    And frosting is neat

    HPS & HP:
    Great Goddess! Let's eat!

    Feasting and Drinking

    SUGAR CONE OF POWER

    ALL:
    Power of Hershey! Power of Nestle'!
    Goddess of Godiva! Mother of Cadbury!
    Father of all Belgian confections!
    Dancing Swiss Pagan Chocolate Cows!
    Protect us with thy phenylalanine!
    Wash over us with rivers of syrup!
    Cast thy chips beneath our feet of pilgrimage!
    Surround us with a moat of hot fudge!
    Cast out our health-fiend betrayers!

    (repeat 3 times)

    DISMISS QUARTERS

    (at each quarter say the following)

    HP:
    Oh, ye mighty goodies of the __________, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best ..."

    ALL:
    Choooooooc-laaaaate

    (After all quarters have been dismissed, all give a final satisfying belch at the east)

    CLOSE CIRCLE
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2009
  9. Quahom1

    Quahom1 What was the question?

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    Why not we three pitch in and give a couple (or few) kids a bike. I am game.

    v/r

    Q
     
  10. Bandit

    Bandit New Member

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    The Chocolate Ritualgoodness that is an awful lot of chocolate & cocoa beans Phyllis. More than Willy Wonka.
     
  11. Bandit

    Bandit New Member

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    i am up for it Q, every kid should have a bike.

    but not the kid who lives down the street from me. he already has 4 bikes, several mopeds, gas powered skooters & a go cart, not to mention his collection of about 10 honda mini bikes from the 70's.

    spoiled rotten YES, but it is his little hobby that his mom lets him have. she thinks it keeps him out of trouble. LOL
     
  12. Quahom1

    Quahom1 What was the question?

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    I don't think that is what Dayaa had in mind, and I agree with you concerning the brat down the street...

    v/r

    Q
     
  13. InLove

    InLove at peace

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    Hello, Everyone, and Peace--

    I apologize for interrupting the flow of humor, but I have a question. I have a joke I would love to post here, but the punchline is visual. Is it okay to post jpegs here, and if so, can anyone tell me how?

    InPeace,
    InLove
     
  14. dayaa

    dayaa New Member

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    hello everyone again
    are we starting to take the bike seriously? does it have to be bikes necessarily?
    how about setting up some sort of voluntary contribution system....for anyone who's enjoyed this site, whatever they can manage......to do something for kids who are victims of religious wars (directly or indirectly religious) i mean whether it's really about religion or if religion is the excuse. would be rather appropriate. get a proper registerd charity thing (sorry not very good at legal stuff....i'm sure you know what i mean by a "thing").....i'm game:)

    i remembered another kiddies mistake i heard about before:
    definition of a volcano: a mountain where the creator smokes at the top.
     
  15. iBrian

    iBrian Peace, Love and Unity Staff Member

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    You could try using the attachments feature - but if that doesn't work properly, you could also e-mail it to myself: brian_that_is_brian@hotmail.com
     
  16. Quahom1

    Quahom1 What was the question?

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    LOL, my wife is gonna love this Phi. :D

    Chocolate...such good stuff...

    v/r

    Q
     
  17. InLove

    InLove at peace

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    Hello, Peace to All, and...

    My apologies in advance.

    This is not funny. When my youngest daughter was nine years old, her dad passed away. He had an extremely rare, genetic blood disorder. I could go into details--many details--but it would take me a very long time, and I would die before I could tell it all.

    Anyway, the Holiday Season:) after he passed, I had some extra money from all the Love offerings. I bought some things for people that I had never been able to buy before--one of them was a beautiful, pink, sparkly new bicycle for our daughter. I paid extra to get the one that was already assembled, and I managed, somehow, to hide it from her until the morning of December 25th.

    She was the Queen of the Road--until around May, when some misguided rogue had no thought of anything beautiful.

    Anyway, dayaa--if you are serious about the idea, why don't you start a thread--or if that does not work, start it in your community or on a website. Let me know--I will try.

    So--now--I have a really good joke coming for all --(I am not Catholic--but I love Catholics, and this one is just too adorable.:) . I doubt I will figure it all out tonight--about posting pics and all--but, hey, I am determined!

    Anyway--

    InPeace,
    InLove
     
  18. InLove

    InLove at peace

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    Hi--Peace--

    (Sorry--got a bit mauldlin there, I did!)

    I gave up and sent the joke to Brian. Hopefully, he can post it here and get us all back on the "laugh track".:)

    InPeace,
    InLove


    EDIT by I, Brian - here you go. :)


    Five Sisters—Mary Katherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, and Novice Mary Kathleen—left the convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. On the way there, they decided to do some sightseeing.



    Now, it was July in New York, so it was very hot and humid, and the the traditional garb they all wore did not help matters. They were desperate for a place to cool off and have a refreshment. The closest place around was Patty McGuire’s Pub. They decided that, under the circumstances, it would be okay to go in for some ice-cold Coca Colas.



    The sisters, being from out-of-town, could not have known that Patty had recently done some redecorating, and had added some very whimsical bases to his barstools, which had become the talk of the fashionable Eastside neighborhood. The sisters were so hot and tired that they really did not notice as they thankfully sat down in the air-conditioned establishment and ordered their sodas.



    Well, it just so happened that Father McGinty from St. Patrick’s was out and about on that hot July day as well. After visiting several parishioners that afternoon, he also needed a quick respite. Like the sisters, he had not heard of the recent “improvements” at McGuire’s. If the heat had not been enough of a challenge that day, what the priest saw as he walked through the door—well, you can see for yourself--probably called for more than a Coca-Cola!


     

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  19. InLove

    InLove at peace

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    Thanks, Brian! :D
     
  20. dayaa

    dayaa New Member

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    hi in love

    sorry to hear about your daughter's bike. (and your husband):(
    what is going on with shiny kiddies bikes? this is starting to annoy me now. any more stories about kiddies bikes and i shall turn vigilante:mad:
    about the donations idea....i don't know anything about setting up something like that. i meant it more as a suggestion for the site owner....to attach a donations section....i'm sure a lot of people must find a lot of comfort on this site as i have and a voluntary contribution as a feeling of gratitude to go to an appropriate cause (like war-torn kiddies) seemed like a good idea. how do you submit a suggestion to "the boss"?
     

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