Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

AletheiaRivers

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(If there is a joke thread on the board, I apologize, as I couldn't find it.)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

:D
 

Tao_Equus

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A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting having a chat.

The bear said " when I growl the animals of the woods run and hide"

Then the lion says " when I roar the animals of the jungle quiver with fear"

Then the chicken says " I just cough and the whole world shits itself"

:D
 

Jack Halyard

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the

wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging her gin as he

sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right

after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"
 

Quahom1

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AletheiaRivers said:
(If there is a joke thread on the board, I apologize, as I couldn't find it.)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

:D

Oh, I can't wait to use that on my wife...LOL
 

Quahom1

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Jack Halyard said:
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the

wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging her gin as he

sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right

after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

How is your better half doing?

v/r

Q
 

InLove

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Hi Q:) (She's fine--trying to stay out of the hospital and living in my husband's recliner:D) (Just thought I'd go ahead and answer, since there is no telling how long it will take J.H. to log in again. And maybe I'd better ask him what he meant by that last laugh?:rolleyes: :) )

InPeace,
InLove
 

Quahom1

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InLove said:
Hi Q:) (She's fine--trying to stay out of the hospital and living in my husband's recliner:D) (Just thought I'd go ahead and answer, since there is no telling how long it will take J.H. to log in again. And maybe I'd better ask him what he meant by that last laugh?:rolleyes: :) )

InPeace,
InLove

You know my mom is in the same boat...

men joke as a way of letting off stress, and those who know understand.

My dad jokes along similar lines...so do I.

v/r

Q
 

InLove

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Oh, I wasn't worried--just being silly (and women joke, too;) ).

I have been keeping your mom in my prayers--from what you have told me about her, she sounds like an amazing woman. I hope she is feeling okay.

And I wish I could think of a good joke to post!

InPeace,
InLove
 

flowperson

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Did anyone hear the one about the blonde that picked up a frozen orange juice can in the supermarket and stared at it for thirty minutes because it said "concentrate" on it ?

flow....:p
 

YO-ELEVEN-11

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What do you call a cow with no legs? :confused:

Ground beef!!!!!:D

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? :confused:

Lean beef!!!!:D


Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing. :p
 

iBrian

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I've just made up a very poor one:

A Londoner died and was reincarnated as a curry. Why?







Bad Korma.
 

Quahom1

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I said:
I've just made up a very poor one:

A Londoner died and was reincarnated as a curry. Why?







Bad Korma.

:D I actually got that! (I think CR is rubbing off on me).
 

Abogado del Diablo

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YO-ELEVEN-11 said:

Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

YO-ELEVEN-11:

If you don't mind my asking, where did you learn that particular phrase (the bolded one)?
 

dauer

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Four Jews are sitting in a small cafe talking.

"Oy." Says the first.

"Gevalt." Says the second.

"Nu..." Says the third.

Finally the fourth speaks up. "Listen, if you three don't stop talking politics I'm leaving!"
 

Quahom1

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Ain't it the truth...

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
> takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
> the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
> sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
> blows off his head and out into the water.
>
> Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
> Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
> this. Don't worry."
>
> Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
> and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
> picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
> aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
>
> The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
> Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
> Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
> Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
> Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
> Chronicle all proclaim:
>
> "Bush Can't Swim!"
 

dauer

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Mel Gibson is stumbling down a street in Malibu in a drunken stupor when he comes across the famous comic/writer/director Mel Brooks. "... Jew!" He manages to get out.

"Mel Brooks." comes the response with a smile and a slight bow.



Dauer
 

Quahom1

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dauer said:
Mel Gibson is stumbling down a street in Malibu in a drunken stupor when he comes across the famous comic/writer/director Mel Brooks. "... Jew!" He manages to get out.

"Mel Brooks." comes the response with a smile and a slight bow.



Dauer

Subtle, but poignant Dauer...:eek:

v/r

Q
 

wil

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Abogado del Diablo said:
YO-ELEVEN-11:

If you don't mind my asking, where did you learn that particular phrase (the bolded one)?
Quote:
Originally Posted by YO-ELEVEN-11
Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

tis very popular usage in network marketing/mlm circles...
 

Abogado del Diablo

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wil said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by YO-ELEVEN-11
Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

tis very popular usage in network marketing/mlm circles...
That's why I was asking, actually. I've known many people in mlm and they all seem to share this phrase as a normal part of their lexicon. I think it originated there.
 

InLove

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Hi and Peace--

"As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don't know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz." --Jay Leno :)
 
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