Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

This lady walks into a bar with a Hippo on her shoulder
I said "Hey, nice hippo".
 
Why did Moses wander for 40 years in the desert?

Because even in Biblical times men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
 
Seen on a T-shirt:

"My Karma ran over my Dogma"

My favorite spoonerism:

"Champagne to my real friends, and real pain to my sham friends"

My favorite bathroom graffiti:

"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me, than a pre-frontal lobotomy"
 
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra.
She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.
The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
 
Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. The woman told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to discuss religion and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two Witnesses still standing at the door infuriated her further.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut, but the door still didn't close.
She grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could, but again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Her eyes widened, this must have been a sign from god above.. Just then, one of the JWs said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your dog."

And if you can't take a freaking joke I apologise in advance...
 
(My take at "police" jokes....)

Me and my pal were out for a little drive.. I come from a real small village middle of nowhere.. Anyway miles and miles away is another village we love driving to and for the first time ever we got pulled over by one of the cops there and he flipped open his ticket book and stroled to Tim(the drivers) window and tapped on it.... So Tim rolled his window down.

Then WHACK! This police offier smackd him in the face with his nightstick... Tim grabbed his skull in pain and shouted in demandment "What the Hell you do that for?!?" The cop says "When we get to your car window here in Penryn You best have your liscene ready!" Tim said sorry and explained he wasn't from here...

Anyway the cop walks back to his car to do some check's I try hard not to laugh..... Then few minutes pass and he comes back and hands Tim his papers and says that he is clean. But then walks around to my side and taps on the window... So a bit confused to why he came over I unroll the window about to ask what the problem was and WHACK!!! He smashes his nightstick around my face... I in shock gasp then look at the office and demand why he decided to hit me!! He tells me he was just making my wish come true...

I ask him what darn wish! He smiles and says "About two miles down this road your going to turn to your little buddy there and say I wish that son of a gun tried that nonsense with me!"

So yeah... After that previous encounter, I went shopping in the village Parked my car up then went into this nice tourist shop and bumped into Tim, we were talking about you know the previous day's police problem and anyway I got some nice stuff then walked out and noticed another cop writting out a parking ticket...

I stormed over, I sighed and said "oh come on officer!! Give a man a chance! or at least just a warning the car hasn't been there that long..." He ignored me, So I resorted to calling him a pencil necked Nazi... He started inspecting the tyres... write another ticket... I replied "oh you evil son of a gun. That is uncalled for you truly are a peice of work pal." So he slidded the second ticket on top of the first on the windscreen and started making out a third darn ticket!! Anyway this went on for at least 10 minutes I got more abusive and he wrote more tickets in the end I thought "Screw it, trying to help Tim out and this ain't getting nowhere!" So I walked around to the parking lot and got in my car, and just drove off.

But this may seem good and well but they actually came back to my village and arrested me... sucks I know.. I was put in a line up. But I was smart.. Had my glasses on today instead of contacts... Also just recently cut my hair the cop had no chance of pointing me. So anyway we were all told on queue to repeat the words "You pencil neck donkey!" by the time it got the third guy I serioulsy had enough I stood forward and said "That isn't what I said!!"

Really harsh I tell you the cops around our "group of villages..." I remeber one time I was driving along pulled over and the cop says... "here it says you should be wearing glasses!" "I said I know but I have contacts!" And he smirks and says, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Then the last time a police officer pulled us over and asked If I had a police record... I said, "OH hell yeah! I love their songs.. Got a few of Stings solo works too..." Me and the police always seem to have misunderstandings...

Another time this police officer pulled me over and said "Could you please blow into this bag sir...." I was driving safley under the speed limit (for once) and I knew there was nothing wrong with the car, Confused I asked "Why?" He replied "My chips are too hot." Then a few miles down I got pulled over again by another police officer who said he would like to follow me to the nearest police station... Again asking why, he replied he was lost.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a police officer came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road


So yeah... Ugh I got my license renewed.. Aren't those queue's long? Gosh! I got pretty upset to say the least I hate waiting for anything! ANYTHING! Like an hour later I got to the "photo point..." I really Didn't I like the picture. I looked really angry upset and ready to kill something... I then finally made it to the counter and said "Look I been waiting an age... this picture is me at my worst I look fed up and very angry... " My way of saying look I want a retake... The clerk said "Thats no problem your going to be looking like that when the cops pull you over.."

OK, Ok, I think I might have "exhausted" police/car jokes...
 
The Horse Race​

Bubba was from Alabama, and was a good ol' Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies, and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants....... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
 
A serviceman comes back from Korea with a small animal he's found there called a Rari. The cute baby ate a banana a day but grew larger, now eating more than a bushel a day.

This became an increasing burden to the man who, eventually, decided he had to get rid of the creature.

He took his friend and a bushel of bananas into the forest and to the edge of a cliff. Setting the bushel at the edge, he hugged his friend one last time and pushed the bushel over.

The animal raced to the edge looking down anxiously and the man sneaked up behind him and was ready to push when a park ranger suddenly appeared and said...


Hey, buddy...that's a long way to tip a rari...
 
Not exactly a joke (I can never remember the clean ones), just the best graffito ever:

I couldn't eat breakfast
because I was thinking of you.

I couldn't eat lunch
because I was thinking of you.

I couldn't eat dinner
because I was thinking of you.

I couldn't sleep
because I was hungry.
 
Did you hear about the pending lawsuit wherein the parents of a ten-year-old have filed defamation charges against Santa for illedgedly calling their daughter a "Ho"? :rolleyes:

InPeace,
InLove
 
Prober said:
A serviceman comes back from Korea with a small animal he's found there called a Rari. The cute baby ate a banana a day but grew larger, now eating more than a bushel a day.

This became an increasing burden to the man who, eventually, decided he had to get rid of the creature.

He took his friend and a bushel of bananas into the forest and to the edge of a cliff. Setting the bushel at the edge, he hugged his friend one last time and pushed the bushel over.

The animal raced to the edge looking down anxiously and the man sneaked up behind him and was ready to push when a park ranger suddenly appeared and said...


Hey, buddy...that's a long way to tip a rari...
Click to expand...
This joke has an age limit. Now I am almost 50, I'd be interested in knowing the youngest person that understood it.
 
wil said:
This joke has an age limit. Now I am almost 50, I'd be interested in knowing the youngest person that understood it.
Click to expand...
My son got it (he's 23), but he's also familiar with Irish geography...
 
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